Dani | Tales From The Black Forest

Author Archive

Page 1 of 612 3 4 5...»Last »

January 17th, 2012

Tuesday Night Musings

Written by Dani Filed under: BFA, Dani, Family, Life, Miscarriage, Spiritual Journey, Work & School

About a year ago, I got pregnant for the second time. These days, I find myself thinking about kids a lot. The kids who are mine, but who I can’t hold. The kids I think I want. The kids of other people who I get to talk to every day, but can’t call my own.

I’m often confused, and sad, and overwhelmingly grateful for what God’s done and taught us and brought us through. I am often joyful and content. I don’t know what will happen, and I find myself struggling to learn to live fully in the now, without drifting into what might be, or numbing my heart to the desire, hope, and loss I feel.

I’ve had a lot of conversations lately about the value of pain, loss, and sadness. I don’t think God wants hurt and heartbreak for us; I do think he is gracious to us and redeems those things. So I find myself trying to explain why it is better to hurt than to feel nothing, to risk vulnerability than to protect yourself with loneliness, to love and lose than never love at all.

For myself, I would rather miss my children, than have none. I would rather be hurt by those I love, than protect myself in a shell of isolation. I think I would rather love others and risk hurting them, than protect both of us from the shame, and pain, and brokenness of sin. That seems to be the current fear I’m battling, screwing up in loving others; we so profoundly affect one another.

I find myself thinking about poetry. I find myself writing a lot of poetry, and wondering whether I should share it. I’ve been taking a ceramics class this year, and it’s been such a good outlet for me, a way to process and express life, and God, and growth. I’m thankful for music, and books, and quiet moments. I’m thankful for beauty.

I’m thankful for brokenness, because it is there that we find the wholeness of Christ. I’m thankful for spiritual family, for mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, children, who take up residence in our hearts. I’m thankful for biological/adopted/married family, who are always present, no matter what, and for the great opportunity they bring for hurt, healing, beauty, and love.

I’m thankful for courageous students who brave the unknown waters of confession, openness, heartache, hope, and healing. They inspire me and make me so inexpressibly thankful to serve a God who sees fits to let me know and love them.

I’m thankful for a husband who stands beside me, lifts me up, writes me notes, kisses me in public, and always smells yummy. I’m thankful that I’m already dreading graduation, when I will say goodbye to the many seniors who have become dear to me. I’m thankful to live in a place and do a job that lets me deeply love people, even though I know I will have to let them go in a few short months or years.

In short, I’m a great big bundle of hope and grief, joy and sadness, rejoicing and longing, connection and hesitation.

I’d never heard this song until a few weeks ago. It’s been running through my head a lot lately. Give Me Jesus, by All Sons & Daughters

You can listen below

On my mind:

All Sons & Daughters - “Give Me Jesus”

Tags: ceramics, growth, late-night, love, musings, poetry, questions, relationships, vulnerability

December 18th, 2011

Overwhelmed with Gratitude

3 Comments »

Written by Dani Filed under: BFA, Christmas, Dani, Life, Spiritual Journey, Work & School

Hello Friends, Family, People Who Stumbled onto Our Blog while Google Searching,

Today is Sunday, the third day of our Christmas Break. I’m already wondering what to do with my time. I’ve grown unaccustomed to having free time. We’ve had one, maybe two, free weekends this semester. I’ve come home exhausted and emotionally spent nearly every day. We’ve coached volleyball (not me—ha!), subbed at dorms, attended school trips, had meetings, filmed stuff, had many a conversation, spoken in dorms, spoken in chapel, taught sex ed, made meals, served cider, and much, much more. We’re very tired, and very in need of this break.

Yet despite our exhaustion, I can only think of how very blessed I am. I am so very blessed.

God was gracious to us this semester—it was normal! There were no major life crises! We’ve been able to focus on our jobs without being weighed down with fresh grief, though there has been some less-than-fresh grief thrown in there.

My semester has been filled with God. God in me, God through me, God in other people. I’ve been daily amazed that I get to do what I do. I get to talk to girls all day—about boys, about home, about family, about heartache, about what it means to follow Jesus, about truth. This semester, I’ve been continually overwhelmed by the students I get to know and the conversations I get to have with them.

These students are amazing. They live all over the world. They speak multiple languages. They live between cultures. Their experiences have made them unique. They view the world through wide, open eyes. I love their uniqueness. I love their hearts more.

This has been a semester filled with serious issues. You name it, I’ve probably had a conversation about it—death, addiction, abuse, fear, loneliness, self-hatred. I’ve been privileged to be part of conversations about sin and suffering, brokenness and redemption, grief and healing. I’m honestly amazed that these girls talk to me (me!), that I get to speak into their lives, that they trust me. I’ve asked myself many times, why me? Why are you using me, God? Why are you blessing me with all of this goodness? Whatever the answers are to those questions, I’m grateful.

Two years ago, in this post, I said that I wanted to learn to love people better. In the past two years, God has taught me to love people better. Much of my learning has come through my own heartbreak, grief, brokenness and despair. Many of those lessons have also come through realizing what false love tends to look like in my life—a perverse desire to play Jesus to people, to save them myself rather than wanting him to do it. But I’ve also seen truer reflections of my Father’s love in my heart. I see greater hope and faith on other people’s behalf. I see greater patience. I see greater compassion. I see a greater willingness to put myself out there at the risk of being rejected or hurt. Praise God for his continued redemption!

I want to tell you all about these girls, who I love so very much. I want to tell you their stories and what God’s doing in their lives, but they’re not my stories to tell. I can’t tell you their stories without doing some serious permission-asking beforehand. Just know, dear friends, that these girls are precious. I get to weep and rejoice with them. I get to be frustrated when it seems like I’m pounding my head on a brick wall, and stand amazed when a kernel of truth takes root in their hearts. I get to share in their precious heartaches and stand witness to the slow, but steady, healing work of Jesus in those heartaches. I get to give coffee, and hugs, and makeovers, and conversation, and truth, and tears, and love. I get to know more about my Father’s love for me as I grow in love for these girls.

Jesus has been kind to me. I am utterly amazed. I wish I could sit down with you, a stack of photos, and a cup of coffee and tell you all about the girls I get to know and love. I wish you could meet them and share in the knowledge of their utter awesomeness, but until we’re on the other side of eternity, that probably won’t happen. So take my meager thanks instead.

Thank you, dear friends. Thank you for allowing us to be here. This has been the hardest, bestest place for us. This has been one of the most worthwhile things we’ve ever done. These kids are worth it. Jesus is at work here, in us, in these students, in the world. It feels inadequate every time I say this, but you really do allow us to be here. Your prayers, your giving, and your support are what keep us here. I feel overwhelmed with gratitude.

I really don’t care about Christmas gifts this year, and I think it’s because my heart is so full of precious gifts already. What more could I want?

Tags: 2011, break, busy, Christmas, conversation, gratitude, love, ministry, semester, students, Support, supporters

June 4th, 2011

2011 Grad Walk Out

Comments Off

Written by Dani Filed under: BFA, Dani, Video

2011 Grad Walk Out Tradition from Israel Jernigan on Vimeo.

BFA has a tradition at Grad every year—each pair gets to personalize their walk out. Here’s what happened yesterday. I moved around a couple times, so forgive the shakiness.

Tags: BFA, Black Forest Academy, Dani's Video, Grad, graduation, Seniors

June 1st, 2011

Grad Is Upon Us

3 Comments »

Written by Dani Filed under: BFA, Dani, Prayer, Work & School

In two days, 60-something seniors will graduate from Black Forest Academy. This is a big deal. It’s a big deal because it’s a milestone they’ve been working towards for 12-plus years, but it’s also a big deal because graduation will usher in what will probably be the biggest change of their lives.

Senior Transition Day

In April, I had the privilege of participating in Senior Transition Day. It was a day meant to help prepare them for transitioning to their passport countries. The day covered topics like building community, what it’s like to go to college as a Third Culture Kid, how to say goodbye to BFA, and how to say hello to America. The Seniors even received practical information about opening a bank account, what documents they need to take, and what to consider when getting a phone plan. I spoke on a panel just for the girls. We talked about managing your time and money, The Freshman 15, drinking, dating, boundaries, sex, extracurriculars and more. I was very excited to participate and greatly enjoyed my time with the girls. I hope the Seniors learned from this day; I certainly did. I walked away from Senior Transition Day with a greater appreciation for the immensity of the change these kids are about to encounter.

College is a big transition for everyone. For most people it means moving away from home, being on your own for the first time, learning to manage your money, your time, your weight, and a whole slew of other things. But BFA kids aren’t your average American teens. These are kids who’ve spent more of their time speaking French than English, who grew up using the British Pound instead of the America Dollar, who know their shoe size as 41 rather than 9. The majority of the BFA Seniors have no bank account, no driver’s license and no idea how to pay their bills. For most Third Culture Kids, college is a HUGE transition.

Simple Question, Difficult Answer

For example, one of the questions I got asked most often during my first few weeks of college was, “Where are you from?” With BFA kids, I make a point not to ask this question. When I do, I get blank stares and then a slew of questions. “Do you mean in America? Where I’ve lived the longest? Where I live now? Where my parents are from?” Instead, I ask, “Where is your family now?” Can you imagine how challenging this seemingly simple question will be when they encounter it 500 times during their first week of college? Should they even try to explain?

Some TCKs have spent no more than a few months at a time in their passport country. They may speak the language, be an American (or Canadian, or Korean, or Australian) citizen, and look the part, but inside, they don’t feel American. They feel Turkish, or Italian, or probably a combination of all three. Finding out who you are is a difficult task for anyone, but for TCKs, there are whole other arenas of identity to figure out.

These students have rich, diverse, and distinctive histories, backgrounds and experiences. These aren’t your average American kids (I recently heard one student list off the seven languages that he speaks), they’re going to face more challenges than the average college freshman. But underneath all of the challenges are the same basic questions: Who am I? Where do I fit? What is my purpose?

Pray for Seniors

Could you pray for these seniors as they embark on the journey of adulthood?

Pray for courage. Pray for grace. Pray for patience.

Pray that they will be willing to ask for help, would be gracious with their fellow countrymen who might not understand, and would run to Jesus in their distress. Pray that they would know the nearness of God in the midst of what might seem like a vast loneliness. Pray that they would learn that He is their identity; He is their home.

Tags: america, BFA, Black Forest Academy, College, Grad, graduation, Missionary Kids, MKs, moving, Seniors, TCKs, third culture kids, transition, University

April 8th, 2011

Spring Has Sprung

4 Comments »

Written by Dani Filed under: BFA, Dani, Life, Prayer, Travel, Work & School

Today is the last day of school until April 27th. Tonight we begin two and half glorious weeks of Spring Break. Happy sigh.

The entire BFA community is pretty excited about this, let me tell you. Not only are all the students heading home to see their families (Family!) and to return to the place they love, but 88 students and leaders are going on Mission Trips. We have five trips heading to Africa, Eastern Europe and East Asia. There was a trip going to the Middle East but it was canceled due to unrest there. These students and leaders will be doing construction, evangelizing, working with orphans, teaching and more.

I’m not looking forward to Spring Break because we’re going on a mission trip (we decided not to lead one this year), or visiting Italy or any other such thing. I’m looking forward to Spring Break because it’s a break—a wonderful, glorious, two week long break. Thank you Jesus!

I’ve been looking forward to this break so very much (as if you couldn’t tell). People keep asking us where we’re going over break, and I say “nowhere” with a big, toothy smile.

Rest = Goodness

I realized recently that with the pregnancies, miscarriages and resulting emotional roller coaster, I still don’t feel settled here. It seems that every few weeks some major event rocks my little world so much that I don’t have the time, energy, or normalcy to get used to life in Germany and at BFA. For example, going to the grocery store still frequently stresses me out, my house is rarely clean, and I still get overwhelmed by every new thing. I know many of the other first-year staff members are experiencing the same things, but I feel a little behind the adjustment curve.

We have yet to have a rest in Germany. We had Christmas Break, but with family visiting and then going to Turkey, it wasn’t restful in the way we needed it to be.

I firmly believe that people need breaks, even missionaries. BFA life is crazy. There is always something to do: a soccer game, a play, a small group, a student, a project…. It’s wonderful, but it’s also exhausting. We could literally fill up all of our time. Yes, our time would be full of worthwhile things, but we’d be too busy to be effective at any of them.

I’m looking forward to this break because I need to enjoy being here. I need some time to stop merely making it through the day, and to actually look forward to things again. The past few weeks, when girls come in to see me, I often have trouble having a conversation or staying focused. Sometimes I’m just so tired! I know this is all some combination of cultural adjustment and grief, but it’s frustrating and it makes me feel so ineffective.

My hope is that, when we return from break, I’ll be more present. I want to be able to soak up the last few weeks of school with these students. There are Seniors graduating who I’ll sorely miss. My small group girls will be leaving for the summer. The end of the year is quickly approaching and I want to value what’s left of it.

Pray

If you would be so kind, could you pray for a few things over the next few days?

Pray for:

Safe travel for students, staff and mission trips. Many people are traveling even as I post this.
For God to work through the mission trips, both in the teams and in the communities where they are serving
For rest and rejuvenation, both for ourselves and for the rest of the BFA community
Israel happened to roll his ankle quite badly yesterday morning. Please pray that his ankle heals quickly so he’s not confined to the house the whole break.

Since we’re pretty free over break, we’ll have lots of time to SKYPE! Let us know if you’d like to schedule a Skype date sometime before Easter. We’re skyping with our community group in Arkansas on Tuesday. So excited!

Tags: BFA, Black Forest Academy, Dani, Germany, holiday, mission trip, Prayer, rest, spring break, Travel, vacation

March 11th, 2011

Goodbye, Baby

5 Comments »

Written by Dani Filed under: BFA, Dani, Family, Life, Prayer, Spiritual Journey

Several of you have asked how the High School Retreat went. Unfortunately, we can only tell you what we’ve heard from others, because we didn’t go.

We had another miscarriage.

I don’t really know what to say….

We were seven weeks pregnant. I’d known I was pregnant pretty much since conception. I’d felt better about this pregnancy because I’d had morning sickness. I’d even looked at names, which I didn’t do last time. The one that kept running through my head was Beatrice, which means “bringer of joy.”

We’d just been to the doctor that Wednesday. We were hoping to see the heartbeat, but didn’t. She said we could have simply been a few days too early. That afternoon I started cramping and spotting. Israel’s parents also flew in that afternoon to lead worship at the retreat.

By Thursday morning, I was bleeding and cramping badly. I laid in bed for about an hour trying to decide whether to go to the retreat or stay home. I finally decided that, even if I did go, I’d be so distracted that I wouldn’t do any good. Israel’s parents spent the day with us and went to the retreat location in Switzerland on Friday.

From what I’ve heard, retreat was amazing. Students were challenged, ministered to, and encouraged. Fortunately, the co-leader of my small group was able to attend and be with our girls. Our small group grew in vulnerability and closeness, which I’m so excited about. My small group girls have just blossomed in the past few months. It’s amazing. I hate that I didn’t get to go to retreat. What awful timing.

Israel and I spent the weekend alone. It was different this time. I didn’t cry much; last time I couldn’t stop crying.

I value being present in whatever I’m experiencing—joy, grief, disappointment. I was present during our last miscarriage, but I’m not now. I think my lack of grief is a combination of our cautious attitudes toward the pregnancy, the circumstances of the weekend, and my fear of reliving last semester.

Last semester was probably the hardest of our lives. Not only did we experience a heartbreaking miscarriage, but I felt the repercussions of it for quite a while (which is why you’ve heard so little from me over the past few months). December was an awful month for me. I was depressed. Some days I didn’t think I could get out of bed. Some days I couldn’t stop crying. Israel didn’t know what to do. I just kept praying, “Jesus help me,” and trusting that he would bring me through my darkness.

I think that’s partly why I’m afraid to grieve, because I’m afraid of going back to that dark place. I know Israel is.

So, here we are, in the midst of another loss—confused, frustrated, numb, afraid.

I’m wondering if, in the future, I’ll be able to let myself fall in love with a child I might never meet. I’m confused about whether I’m a mother if my children never took a breath. I’m confused about what it means that, as everyone says, there must have been something seriously wrong with our babies for my body to end the pregnancies. I’m confused about what caused this—God, Satan, our broken world?

I don’t know how to grieve without being angry, or pointing a finger at God. And I don’t want to be angry, because that’s part of what he taught me last time—that he is good, that he is loving, that he loves my children. How do I grieve without accusing him, or doubting his wisdom, or hating him for a time?

I don’t know.

So, we’re here, weathering this storm, feeling tiny spasms of grief in the midst of our numbness.

We went to the doctor again a few days ago. She did an ultrasound and said that a small amount of tissue remains in my uterus. She took some blood in order to monitor my hormone levels. If my hormone levels haven’t gone down by next week, I’ll need to have surgery. Please pray that my body will take care of everything; I really don’t want to have surgery again.

“Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.” Psalm 86:4

Tags: babies, baby, Black Forest Academy, Dani, grief, high school retreat, Life, loss, miscarriage, News, Prayer, pregnancy, Switzerland

February 12th, 2011

Dani’s Office

5 Comments »

Written by Dani Filed under: BFA, Dani, Life, Video, Work & School

Dani’s Office from Israel Jernigan on Vimeo.

Here’s a little video of my office at Black Forest Academy. This is where I spend my time, mostly meeting with girls over a cup of coffee or tea. Enjoy!

Tags: BFA, Black Forest Academy, Chaplain's Assistant, Coffee, Couch, Dani, Dani's Video, job, Kandern, Office, Reeses, Tea, work

October 2nd, 2010

A Day in Holzen

1 Comment »

Written by Dani Filed under: Culture, Life, Spiritual Journey, Travel

In case I haven’t told you lately, I love living in Germany.

It’s beautiful. I’ve never lived in a cleaner place. Every building has delightful flowers and gardens. I believe that over 25% of Germany is set aside as green space.

It’s simple. Every few days I walk three minutes to the grocery store to buy a couple (reusable) bags of groceries. We walk to school almost every day. I can buy a big bottle of mineral water for 19 cents. Doing official things (like bank transfers, car registrations, and even surgery) is so much less complicated than it is in the States.

It’s nostalgic. Every time I drive past a swath of forest, I’m reminded of looking at the same forest as a child. Today, I saw a booth of puppets and stared for several minutes while I remembered the puppets of my childhood. Last week, I played on a fantastic wood and rope play ground. It was so much more fun and imaginative than the plastic and metal contraptions that fill the States.

I’m not saying that I don’t love America. I’m just really glad to be living in Germany, even when I’m frustrated or scared or uncertain. This is most certainly where we are supposed to be.

Today was a wonderful affirmation of how much I love living in here.

Holzen is a town just a few kilometers from Kandern. This weekend was their annual craft market. We spent a few hours there today with our friend Alyssa, an art teacher at Black Forest Academy. We wandered among dozens of booths filled with pottery, artwork, handmade clothes, soap, and beautiful floral arrangements.

We also ate lots of yummy food, which is always my favorite part. As a late lunch, we enjoyed Flammkuchen, a thin-crusted onion and bacon pizza, which is baked in a wood-burning oven. We tried some pumpkin soup and shared a glass of fresh apple juice. And when I say fresh what I mean is that I took a drink and thought I was biting into an apple. Just outside the food stand was a long wagon filled with fresh apples. The apples were put into a press sort of thing, which trickled beautiful, cloudy juice into a trough. The Juice People (I can’t think of anything else to call them) would walk over to the trough, dip in a big pitcher, and then walk back to the table to fill individual glasses. I mean really, how wonderful is that? On our way out, we bought a loaf of bread (which I caught unintended, yummy whiffs of all the way home), three slices of pie, and a gorgeous bouquet of flowers.

What a fabulous way to spend a Saturday. Enjoy the photos of our lovely Germany.

As far as the miscarriage goes, we’ve both been learning a lot. God’s doing a much work in us. He’s bringing good from our pain. He’s teaching me to trust him and teaching me to believe his love for me. I want to share in more detail, but I haven’t yet determined how to express what’s happening in my heart. There have been some really wonderful days and some really awful ones. I know that God is working through both. Last week, Israel’s dad wrote this song for us regarding the miscarriage. I may have listened to it a hundred times already. It helps my heart.