I’m often confused, and sad, and overwhelmingly grateful for what God’s done and taught us and brought us through. I am often joyful and content. I don’t know what will happen, and I find myself struggling to learn to live fully in the now, without drifting into what might be, or numbing my heart to the desire, hope, and loss I feel.

I’ve had a lot of conversations lately about the value of pain, loss, and sadness. I don’t think God wants hurt and heartbreak for us; I do think he is gracious to us and redeems those things. So I find myself trying to explain why it is better to hurt than to feel nothing, to risk vulnerability than to protect yourself with loneliness, to love and lose than never love at all.

For myself, I would rather miss my children, than have none. I would rather be hurt by those I love, than protect myself in a shell of isolation. I think I would rather love others and risk hurting them, than protect both of us from the shame, and pain, and brokenness of sin. That seems to be the current fear I’m battling, screwing up in loving others; we so profoundly affect one another.

I find myself thinking about poetry. I find myself writing a lot of poetry, and wondering whether I should share it. I’ve been taking a ceramics class this year, and it’s been such a good outlet for me, a way to process and express life, and God, and growth. I’m thankful for music, and books, and quiet moments. I’m thankful for beauty.

I’m thankful for brokenness, because it is there that we find the wholeness of Christ. I’m thankful for spiritual family, for mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, children, who take up residence in our hearts. I’m thankful for biological/adopted/married family, who are always present, no matter what, and for the great opportunity they bring for hurt, healing, beauty, and love.

I’m thankful for courageous students who brave the unknown waters of confession, openness, heartache, hope, and healing. They inspire me and make me so inexpressibly thankful to serve a God who sees fits to let me know and love them.

I’m thankful for a husband who stands beside me, lifts me up, writes me notes, kisses me in public, and always smells yummy. I’m thankful that I’m already dreading graduation, when I will say goodbye to the many seniors who have become dear to me. I’m thankful to live in a place and do a job that lets me deeply love people, even though I know I will have to let them go in a few short months or years.

In short, I’m a great big bundle of hope and grief, joy and sadness, rejoicing and longing, connection and hesitation.

I’d never heard this song until a few weeks ago. It’s been running through my head a lot lately. Give Me Jesus, by All Sons & Daughters

You can listen below

• 
  

  On my mind:

  All Sons & Daughters - “Give Me Jesus”

  
  

Well folks, it’s been a looong time since our last update. I’ll skip the list of reasons for our silence, and jump straight to the good stuff.

Summer Happened

This summer was full. We did some manual labor, had family visit, and moved twice. July was filled with an intensive German course, which gave us a little more language confidence. Wir sprechen Deutsch ein bisschen besser. (If you speak German, you may be able to tell just how little better by that sentence.)

School’s back in session!

In late August, BFA started up again. We’re so glad not to be new this year! It’s wonderful to know how BFA operates, know what all those crazy acronyms mean, and best of all, to know students! God has already blessed us with some amazing, truth-filled, life-changing conversations with students.

Israel and the Screaming Girls

Israel is coaching JV Girl’s Volleyball this year. Last year he helped out, but now he’s an official coach. This means daily practices and traveling to games every weekend. Israel seems to be uniquely equipped, by his five sisters, to deal with all the screaming involved in a six hour bus ride with 20 teenage girls. He’s very much enjoying coaching, but it makes for a very tiring schedule.

Dani Goes to School

I am in my last few weeks of a Biblical Counseling class through the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation. The class is called Foundations of Biblical Change and has been incredibly applicable, both to my own life and to my conversations with girls. Already this year, several girls have come to me with some pretty serious things, so the training I’m receiving through this class has been incredibly helpful. I hope to continue with more classes next semester.

Hello Long-Term Commitment?

Our initial commitment to BFA was for two years; this is our second year. Because it takes several months for BFA to fill empty positions, the school asks us to make next year’s commitment in October. A few weeks ago, we turned in a sheet of paper indicating that we would be at BFA next school year. We feel that we need to stay here until God tells us to go somewhere else. We’re excited about this decision and about being able to invest here longer term. This will mean more support raising this summer and, hopefully, more language learning, but we’re excited about the ways God will provide through these opportunities.

Pray for Us. Pretty Please!

• Busy, Busy, Busy — As our lack of updates indicate, we’re crazy busy! We’ve had very little free time since school started. We hope things will slow down a bit in mid-November, once volleyball and my class are over, but we’re already looking forward to Christmas Break.
• Chapel Talk — I, Dani, am speaking in High School Chapel on November 11th. I think I’ll be speaking about the miscarriages and what God’s been teaching me through them, but I don’t really know what “the point” of my talk is yet, partially because I’m still in the middle of this journey. I’m also sharing my story of dealing with sexual addiction in a dorm on Sunday. Prayer is much appreciated!
• Student Issues — God’s allowed us to join girls in pretty serious issues this year. We feel privileged to get to walk with them toward Jesus, but we can also feel rather helpless! We know, though, that Jesus is the only one who saves and changes. Pray for wisdom for us, and for redemption and salvation for the students!
• Summer and Future Plans – We’re still many months away, but summer will be upon us sooner than we think. This will mean travel, finding temporary housing and a car, and raising more support. We’re also in the process of deciding what direction to take for our family, whether fertility, adoption or something else.

We love you all! We’ll try to get another update out before Christmas!

Several of you have asked how the High School Retreat went. Unfortunately, we can only tell you what we’ve heard from others, because we didn’t go.

We had another miscarriage.

I don’t really know what to say….

We were seven weeks pregnant. I’d known I was pregnant pretty much since conception. I’d felt better about this pregnancy because I’d had morning sickness. I’d even looked at names, which I didn’t do last time. The one that kept running through my head was Beatrice, which means “bringer of joy.”

We’d just been to the doctor that Wednesday. We were hoping to see the heartbeat, but didn’t. She said we could have simply been a few days too early. That afternoon I started cramping and spotting. Israel’s parents also flew in that afternoon to lead worship at the retreat.

By Thursday morning, I was bleeding and cramping badly. I laid in bed for about an hour trying to decide whether to go to the retreat or stay home. I finally decided that, even if I did go, I’d be so distracted that I wouldn’t do any good. Israel’s parents spent the day with us and went to the retreat location in Switzerland on Friday.

From what I’ve heard, retreat was amazing. Students were challenged, ministered to, and encouraged. Fortunately, the co-leader of my small group was able to attend and be with our girls. Our small group grew in vulnerability and closeness, which I’m so excited about. My small group girls have just blossomed in the past few months. It’s amazing. I hate that I didn’t get to go to retreat. What awful timing.

Israel and I spent the weekend alone. It was different this time. I didn’t cry much; last time I couldn’t stop crying.

I value being present in whatever I’m experiencing—joy, grief, disappointment. I was present during our last miscarriage, but I’m not now. I think my lack of grief is a combination of our cautious attitudes toward the pregnancy, the circumstances of the weekend, and my fear of reliving last semester.

Last semester was probably the hardest of our lives. Not only did we experience a heartbreaking miscarriage, but I felt the repercussions of it for quite a while (which is why you’ve heard so little from me over the past few months). December was an awful month for me. I was depressed. Some days I didn’t think I could get out of bed. Some days I couldn’t stop crying. Israel didn’t know what to do. I just kept praying, “Jesus help me,” and trusting that he would bring me through my darkness.

I think that’s partly why I’m afraid to grieve, because I’m afraid of going back to that dark place. I know Israel is.

So, here we are, in the midst of another loss—confused, frustrated, numb, afraid.

I’m wondering if, in the future, I’ll be able to let myself fall in love with a child I might never meet. I’m confused about whether I’m a mother if my children never took a breath. I’m confused about what it means that, as everyone says, there must have been something seriously wrong with our babies for my body to end the pregnancies. I’m confused about what caused this—God, Satan, our broken world?

I don’t know how to grieve without being angry, or pointing a finger at God. And I don’t want to be angry, because that’s part of what he taught me last time—that he is good, that he is loving, that he loves my children. How do I grieve without accusing him, or doubting his wisdom, or hating him for a time?

I don’t know.

So, we’re here, weathering this storm, feeling tiny spasms of grief in the midst of our numbness.

We went to the doctor again a few days ago. She did an ultrasound and said that a small amount of tissue remains in my uterus. She took some blood in order to monitor my hormone levels. If my hormone levels haven’t gone down by next week, I’ll need to have surgery. Please pray that my body will take care of everything; I really don’t want to have surgery again.

“Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.” Psalm 86:4

So our community group, back in the states, sent us a package for Christmas. We didn’t end up getting it until after the new year, but it was well worth the wait. It was full of white-elephant (dirty Santa) gifts!

What Was Inside?

Let’s see…among the gifts was my favorite, the abominable snowman. You put it in water and then it grows over a three day period into three-times it’s normal size. I’ve happened to discover that I like hiding it around the house. So every few days it’s placed in different locations. Loads of fun for all involved.

So What Does This Have to do With Being in Germany?

Absolutely nothing. But it has everything to do with having great friends and supporters. People who will stand by you. People who will laugh with you. People who will pray with you.

We love our community group. Receiving fun gifts like this makes me feel loved and supported. And I enjoy the silly gifts. I guess I’m trying to say that it’s a blessing when we get surprises. And it’s a blessing to have great supporters like our community group and others who are willing to stand by us while we are over here in Germany.

Thank You

Thanks community group for all your prayers and care. We love every note and little gift you send our way. You have more of an impact than I can ever convey. We love you. Know that your sacrifice for us will not go unnoticed. You are all in our prayers as well.

Here are the Gifts Being Used

First Semester at BFA from Israel Jernigan on Vimeo.
The song in the video is Your Glory by Sons and Daughters. It is used with their permission.

Please read this entire post. Thanks.

I’m sharing this with you because you are important to us. I want you to know what is going on in my heart. I want you to share in our sorrow, so that you can one day rejoice with us too. I feel like I should ask something of you when you read this, but I don’t know what that would be. I’ve found great healing in being honest and vulnerable, perhaps this is a part of my healing, or yours.

Our History

Israel and I have wanted a baby for years. About a year and a half after we were married, we thought we were pregnant, or rather, everyone in my family thought we were pregnant. It wasn’t in our plan to get pregnant at the time, we were going to move to Seattle and go to grad school. But, the potential of being pregnant changed our plans. Why not start trying? Why not stay close to our families? Why not start early and be young grandparents?

On January 1, 2008, I took my last birth control pill. And we waited. And we waited. And we waited. The first year was difficult. Birth control had messed with my body quite a bit. We’d go for a month or two thinking we could be pregnant, but there was never a positive test. Once, I went four months without having a period. Eventually, with the help of some medicine, things went back to normal, but by that time, I had withdrawn. I’d hidden the part of me that cared whether we got pregnant, because I couldn’t hope for it anymore. And our families stopped asking, because the answer was always no.

Then we found out about Black Forest Academy, and suddenly it all made sense. If our plans had worked out, we would never be able to move to Germany quickly. If we’d had a baby and a house and had been in grad school, there was no way we’d be able to move so easily. At that point, my desire changed. I didn’t want to be pregnant yet; I wanted to be able to fully invest in BFA for a while. So, we went to Germany on July 16th.

The Blueberry

On Sunday, August 29th, I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. According to the way they count pregnancy, my first day of pregnancy was two days before we left, July 14th. We couldn’t believe it. How in the world could this be possible? We’d just finished the first week of school!

Before I took the test, I was angry that I might be pregnant. God knew that I didn’t want this now! He knew that I wouldn’t be able to fully invest while taking care of a baby! But by Monday afternoon, my heart was already gone, given to the tiny one growing inside me. We called it the Blueberry, because that’s how big it was when we found out. The Blueberry was due on April 20th, 2011. It was clear that this was God’s perfect timing. He wanted us in Germany and he wanted us to have a baby now.

A Sudden Goodbye

On Friday, September 10th, I found blood. I was at school at the time. I sat in my office for two hours, wrapped in blanket, quickly wiping my tears away in case someone walked in. Eventually, my dear friend did come in, and I felt brave enough to walk home with her. I was just entering my ninth week.

The weekend was horribly confusing. We were told by a doctor who is on staff at BFA that there was a 50/50 chance of miscarrying. I cramped and spotted on and off from Friday morning until Sunday evening. I couldn’t go to a doctor for an ultrasound because they were closed until Tuesday. On Monday, I was sure I was miscarrying. On Tuesday, the doctor confirmed it. There on the screen was the little Blueberry, but no heartbeat. On Wednesday morning, we went to the hospital for a D&C.

In the Valley

I don’t know that I’ve ever cried so much in one week. I know that I’ve never wept like I did on Friday evening, when I found more blood. After finding it, I sat down next to Israel and began to sob—deep, uncontrollable sobs. Israel had never stopped wanting a baby. He was excited from the moment that little purple line showed up, and I felt like I was taking that from him. I felt guilty and ashamed and embarrassed.

I don’t really know how to process this. I don’t know what the point of this is, or what God is doing.

I was already learning so much! In June, God started working on the most wounded places of my heart, places that I thought he’d already healed, but that were still bleeding. So he’s been teaching me that he is good, that he is my loving Father, that he cares about me, that he knows me, that he loves me. I know all of these things about God, but I don’t believe them. What I believe is that God only does things in my life so that he will get glory and so that I will learn the lessons that I fail to teach myself. I think he does these things with no real regard or care for me. I believe that God doesn’t really know me. I believe that God doesn’t really love me, or comfort me, or sit with me when I cry. But he’s been gently removing the layers of protection I’ve build around my wounds, so that he can heal them. I knew that the Blueberry was part of that healing.

And then the Blueberry left, and I found myself bewildered. I don’t understand what this means about who God is. I don’t know how to believe that God is loving in this. I don’t know how to believe that he cares about me or the Blueberry. Why would he let us get pregnant immediately after getting to Germany and then take it away only two weeks after we found out? We told our families we were pregnant on Sunday, September 5th; we told them about the miscarriage only one week later. What is the purpose in that? It just seems like cruelty.

But I’m trying to hold on to what I hope is true. God is love. God is good. God cares for me. He cares for the Blueberry. He is holding the Blueberry while we cannot. He did not cause this, but will bring good from it. He loves me in this, and holds me while I cry. He hurts when I hurt.

This has brought me to the edge of myself. I wrote this in an email to a friend, “Maybe that’s why he did it now, because he knew this would bring me to the brink of myself, where I have nothing left and am totally shattered. I feel so needy; I don’t like it. I have nothing.”

I am heartbroken. I am confused. I am shattered. I am empty. I don’t know if I’m angry, perhaps I feel forsaken. But I’m believing that God is present and is big enough to hold this weight of sorrow. I’m clinging to the hope that He will save me from these waters, which have come up to my neck. And when he does, I will let him hold me, and I will rest in him, and I will call him my Papa. Because he loves me even more than I loved the Blueberry, who I had yet to even meet.

The day before my surgery, I asked God to give me a sunrise. God gives thunder to one of my friends as a sign of his love for her. I’ve been trying to believe that He would do that for me to. So I asked him for a sunrise, because I’ve always loved them. I stared at the sky the whole way to the hospital; it was a normal sky—blue with white clouds. I had just decided that he wouldn’t give me one, but we rounded a corner, and there it was. Pink marble resting on the hills of the Black Forest.

That morning, I wrote Psalm 32:7 on a note card and kept it in my pocket. “You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance.” Though I may not be able to hear it yet, he is shouting deliverance around me. He is roaring at the darkness and scattering it. Soon I will be able to hear my Papa coming for me.

So I’m not sure if you are aware, but mine and Dani’s lives are changing. Our desires have changed. Our passions have changed. Our definition of love and truth have changed. Changed in a way that is better and more full. Full of wants and desires that pursue the seemingly unattainable – a life without failure, without a hurting world, without people in need.

Don’t get me wrong. We fail miserably at accomplishing this goal. Some would say we aren’t even going to make a difference in this life. That life is meaningless, and without merit or truth. I say those people have a sad definition of life. And I won’t be able to change their minds. So what can I do?

Well, I’ve decided it’s not my responsibility to change peoples minds. And since I can’t do that, I’ll just change the world. “Ha”, you say? Well that is pretty arrogant of me, but it’s what I wish could happen. In reality I can’t do that. I can’t—without other people. So yeah…I have to deal with the hard and tough. There is no easy life, no easy route. Easy isn’t an option anymore.

This is one of the things I’ve been struggling with. I’m called to change the world. I’m called to live radically. I’m called. But I’ve been struggling, hurting, frustrated and contemplating things I don’t understand. And I want to share some of what I’ve been trying to figure out. Openness and honesty are huge to me. So here is an excerpt from a journal entry.

April 24, 2010 – God what do you want from me?

God what do you want from me?
What would you have me do?
I don’t know what to do next
Is there something missing, something hindering you and me

I just want to be where I hear you calling me. And the stillness is deafening.

Open me up and help me to hear, help me to hear.
Take this yoke upon you. My next steps are hidden from me, please help me, help me to hear you leading me.

Lord what can I do to see?
Do I need to let go?
I thought I had let it all fall
Is there something missing, something hindering you and me

I just want to be where I hear you calling me. And the stillness is deafening.

Open me up and help me to hear, help me to hear.
Take this yoke upon you. My next steps are hidden from me, please help me, help me to hear you leading me.

Help Me To Hear

Written in the car while driving in Telephone, TX. Trying to figure out God and why I’m not hearing or seeing what the next step is. Or why we aren’t getting our support. Is my sin stopping us from going? Am I not doing enough? I just don’t know the next steps to take…

All my life I feel like I’ve struggled to figure out where I fit in, where I should go, and who I should be. From my earliest memories I remember struggling with realities of life. Like when I found out about slavery for the first time. I was devastated. I couldn’t focus the rest of the day. I just couldn’t believe people could do that to each other. Since then I feel like all I’ve been doing is building calluses to all the hurt and problems I’ve seen or learned about. And I don’t want any more calluses.

The Past Alters Perspectives

The next day after writing that journal entry I found out that someone wanted to give us about 30% of our monthly budget. What can I say to that? How do I mix such undeserved giving with such hurt and need? How do I keep from letting myself build calluses when things get tough and I don’t know what’s next? I don’t know the answer to that.

I do know that I’m sick and tired of my complacency. My inability to keep pursuing a life of complete giving of myself, without regard of the consequences or with need for any payment in return. I want to be able to love others without any presupposition or need for them to love me back. I want my life to be full of joy and peace so much that my first instinct is to help others.

My Hope and Prayer

I have been given the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of hundreds of children. To give them love and peace. I just pray and hope that it’s enough. I pray that their loves will be changed forever. That they will pursue truth and an unwavering love for other people. I know I won’t be 100% effective, nor will I be good at it. But that’s not an issue anymore. I don’t want any more calluses. I want to let myself go and be okay with hurt and pain so that others might be given peace and experience the love that I want to be able to share. My life and my heart are not my own, and so my pain and hurt are not my own.

I can’t wait to share my life with those in Germany. To help them conquer their lives and to love them unconditionally. I just hope that it doesn’t stop there. That I daily pursue a truth that revolves around hard people that cause hurt. I’m okay with that. I just want an opportunity to love them. No strings. Just unbridled giving of my life, my possessions, my time, my desires for the moment that they experience a greater love than I can give them. That is my hope and prayer.

Hannah Jernigan married Ashley Brown on April 3rd, 2010 in Muskogee, Oklahoma. It was a Hash-Brown Wedding. Get it? Get it?! Just in case you don’t, Hannah + Ash Brown = Hash Brown.

We spent several lovely days hanging out with the family in Oklahoma. There were quite a few Aussie’s there. Apparently in Australia, you spell it Auzzie, but in America you spell it Aussie. Anyway, we got to hang out with Ash, his parents, his best childhood friend Johnny and his wife Kareta, and Ash’s other groomsman Byron and his girlfriend Karina. In case you missed it, that was Kareta and Karina. Not at all confusing. Anyway, it was lovely getting to know these folks.

Here are a few interesting things we learned.

1. Aussies/Auzzies put beets on their hamburgers. They also butter the buns. Not sure if that was the inside or outside of the bun.
2. Even though we technically speak the same language, we have trouble communicating. Johnny in particular is rather difficult to understand. Apparently, Johnny’s Australian accent is rather like our Southern accent. So between our southern accents and his, I had to ask Johnny to repeat himself quite a bit. A few word translations from Auzzie to American. I must admit that some of these I looked up online, because I couldn’t remember them all…..er.
   • nappy – diaper
   • sheila – mom/woman
   • cuppa – cup of coffee
   • biscuit – cookies
   • arvo – afternoon
   • bonnet – hood of the car
   • boot – trunk of the car
   • chook – chicken
   • lolly – candy
   • lolly water – soda
   • jumper – sweater
   • have a yarn – talk to someone
   • Good Onya – good for you, yeah, etc
   • Oz – Australia
   • reckon – think
   • ring – phone
   • snag – sausage
3. A mud-map is a map that you draw on random pieces of paper, in the dirt, etc. Israel just told me this. Apparently I missed the mud-map. Israel is very excited about the mud-maps.
4. Everything is much more expensive in Australia. For example, apparently it costs at least $30 for one person to eat out at a restaurant. However, you also get paid a lot more, like $20 a hour, to start.
5. Things are much bigger and sweeter in the US than they are in Australia. That’s why we’re all fat. We went to P.F. Changs one night, and the dessert tray was displayed. The Aussies kept saying, “But you don’t really get all of that dessert do you?” Yes, you really get the whole Great Wall of Chocolate. For only $5. It’s only 1,883 calories. Come to America. Become obese with us.

Okay, enough of the America/Australia comparisons.

While we were in Muskogee we shot guns (a very Oklahoma thing to do), sat in the hot tub for far too long, had a hen and stag night (bachelor and bachelorette party), went to Tulsa far too many times, stayed up way too late, and drank too much coffee. We also took the Aussies to all of the great spots in Muskogee. Like Walmart. And the mall. Very exciting. One day, while we were in Tulsa, we even went to the Center of the Universe. Really. It’s on Google.

Unlike my wedding weekend, which was absolutely crazy because my sister and I decided to get married on the same weekend, two days apart, in two different cities, Hannah’s wedding weekend was wonderfully relaxed and enjoyable. We were able to take our time, enjoy each other’s company and really savor everything. I loved it.

The ceremony was beautiful and heartfelt. The reception was fun and flew by. And before we knew it, the newlyweds were off to their honeymoon in Colorado, where Ash saw snow for the first time!

Hannah and Ash headed back to Australia about a week after the wedding. We have no idea when we’ll see them again, hopefully soon. Maybe they’ll take a trip to Europe, or we can make it down under.

Congratulations Hash! We’re glad your 15 month engagement is finally over! We love you and were honored to be a part of your day.

Oh! I almost forgot to tell you about the stair fiasco. Hannah and Ash got married in a lodge that’s right down the road from the Jernigan’s home. Everything happened in this lodge—the ceremony, food prep, reception, etc. So, before the wedding, I was running a few things back and forth to the groomsmen. I had just pinned Ash’s shirt and was heading back downstairs when I learned there was a back stairway. Since the main stairway was where the ceremony was happening, I went down the kitchen stairs instead. The six inch wide kitchen stairs that had gaping spaces. In my heels. While holding two hands worth of stuff. While wearing a dress. I’m sure you can imagine what happened. My heel slipped through the back of the stairs. I fell down quite a few steps and couldn’t stop myself since my hands were full. I dropped everything I was holding—wallet, iphone, water bottle, camera. I’m pretty sure the entire kitchen staff saw more of me than they ever intended to. As I was falling I thought, I’m going to break my ankle and have to go to the hospital, and I’ll ruin Hannah’s wedding.

Fortunately I didn’t break my ankle. But it did hurt quite a bit. And my pride was severely damaged. After I managed to hobble from the kitchen, I found Israel and told him that I fell down the stairs, to which he appropriately replied, “Noooo!” Then I cried. Because my ankle hurt, and my butt hurt, and everyone saw, and I didn’t plan to fall down the stairs! The next day I had a lovely dollar sized bruise on my butt that proceeded to go through several lovely shades of purple, black, blue and yellow. How exciting.

Well, it’s been another month since our last blog post. The five sentence post previous to this one doesn’t count, obviously. Usually, not posting for a month means that nothing exciting has happened, which is kind of the case here. Not much has happened on the support side of things.

Because I know you’re all dying to know, I’ll give you a brief overview of what’s been going on for us in April. Ready?

April 1st happened.

We knew it would eventually—the looming, self-imposed deadline. When April rolled around, we found ourselves not at 100% or even 80% of our monthly support, but at 53%. Well, it’s better than 25%. Moving on.

Hannah got married. Israel’s lovely sister Hannah married her beloved Australian beau on April 3rd. A wonderful time was had by all. Also, 20 minutes before the wedding, I fell down half a flight of stairs. More on that in a later post.

The Bride

We moved. From November through March, we were living with the wonderful Luke and Ashley. Here’s a bit of info about these two. First, they are pregnant with their first child. In case you didn’t know, that’s a big deal. They found out they were pregnant a few weeks before we moved in, but still graciously opened up their home to us. Second, they bought and moved into their first home while we were living with them. Also a big deal. Third, they have two relatively new dogs. For some, this may not be a life-changing occurrence, but when one of your dogs is a separation-anxiety prone Weimaraner who like to use knives as chew toys, break dishes and eat 100 pieces of chocolate at a time, it can be rather stressful. So, in order for let Luke and Ashley to properly settle into their new home and prepare for their upcoming baby, we moved in with some other friends.

We are currently living with Josh and Margo in a town about 30 minutes south of Fayetteville. They live on a small farm, which is why you may have heard us mention snakes and missing kid goats. That’s all I’m going to tell you about the farm until we post more later.

Am I annoying anyone with my blatant withholding of information? I don’t want to ruin our upcoming posts!

When we moved in with Josh and Margo, they went to Hawaii for two weeks. After four months of living with another couple and seven months of traveling and sleeping on air mattresses in other people’s living rooms, we got to be alone. Oh glorious solitude. I do need my alone time and when I don’t get it, I tend to seclude myself in my room, which feels a little anti-social when all the other people in our house are chatting in the living room. Anyway, our two weeks of alone time also coincided with two weeks of disappointment and discouragement about not being in Germany yet.

Last week, we traveled to Texas again to visit some of my family that was in town. We spent about a week hanging out with the fam, playing games, eating too much and hold Addy, my cousin’s miracle baby. More on this in another post.

Addy and Her Momma

There you go. That’s what’s happened since April 1st.

Our monthly support hasn’t really budged at all, partly due to our lack of effort. It’s been hard to get back up and press on with our support raising. I had a rather profound and encouraging thought earlier today about support raising and God’s plan and such, but I can’t remember it now…. I’ll let you know if I do.

We’re still at 53% of our monthly amount, but we’ve seen a lot of one-time gifts come in this month, about $5,000 worth. This puts us over our required start-up money. We’re still waiting to hear back from two churches regarding monthly support. This Sunday we’re also heading back down to Texas to speak in the evening service at the First Baptist Church of Bonham. Pray that God softens the hearts of the congregation there so that they connect with us (this is not a church either of us have attended), see the importance of loving missionary kids and want to give! We’re hoping to find a few new monthly supporters here.

I think we’ve both had a hard time not giving up. We’ve gone through most of the people on our list of potential supporters and don’t feel very optimistic about proceeding. After working so hard for the last few months, it’s hard to believe that we’ll actually make it to the point where we can leave. The past couple days, I’ve found myself in the same mental state I was in a year ago, questioning whether God answers pray and is good. But, I’ve been reminded that God isn’t a formula. I can’t do A and B and expect God to answer with C. I know there’s a plan within all of this, and I can see the benefit of our months of support raising. God not answering my prayers in my timing doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love me or have good things for me. Sigh. Shouldn’t I be past these things already?

And just in case you’re wondering what in the world the blog header has to do this post, not much. Those oranges were in the juice the morning of Hannah’s wedding. I always feel pressure, from some unnamed person who shares my last name, to use an image in the header, and usually I have no idea what to put there. Hence the oranges.