I’m often confused, and sad, and overwhelmingly grateful for what God’s done and taught us and brought us through. I am often joyful and content. I don’t know what will happen, and I find myself struggling to learn to live fully in the now, without drifting into what might be, or numbing my heart to the desire, hope, and loss I feel.

I’ve had a lot of conversations lately about the value of pain, loss, and sadness. I don’t think God wants hurt and heartbreak for us; I do think he is gracious to us and redeems those things. So I find myself trying to explain why it is better to hurt than to feel nothing, to risk vulnerability than to protect yourself with loneliness, to love and lose than never love at all.

For myself, I would rather miss my children, than have none. I would rather be hurt by those I love, than protect myself in a shell of isolation. I think I would rather love others and risk hurting them, than protect both of us from the shame, and pain, and brokenness of sin. That seems to be the current fear I’m battling, screwing up in loving others; we so profoundly affect one another.

I find myself thinking about poetry. I find myself writing a lot of poetry, and wondering whether I should share it. I’ve been taking a ceramics class this year, and it’s been such a good outlet for me, a way to process and express life, and God, and growth. I’m thankful for music, and books, and quiet moments. I’m thankful for beauty.

I’m thankful for brokenness, because it is there that we find the wholeness of Christ. I’m thankful for spiritual family, for mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, children, who take up residence in our hearts. I’m thankful for biological/adopted/married family, who are always present, no matter what, and for the great opportunity they bring for hurt, healing, beauty, and love.

I’m thankful for courageous students who brave the unknown waters of confession, openness, heartache, hope, and healing. They inspire me and make me so inexpressibly thankful to serve a God who sees fits to let me know and love them.

I’m thankful for a husband who stands beside me, lifts me up, writes me notes, kisses me in public, and always smells yummy. I’m thankful that I’m already dreading graduation, when I will say goodbye to the many seniors who have become dear to me. I’m thankful to live in a place and do a job that lets me deeply love people, even though I know I will have to let them go in a few short months or years.

In short, I’m a great big bundle of hope and grief, joy and sadness, rejoicing and longing, connection and hesitation.

I’d never heard this song until a few weeks ago. It’s been running through my head a lot lately. Give Me Jesus, by All Sons & Daughters

You can listen below

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  On my mind:

  All Sons & Daughters - “Give Me Jesus”

  
  

Hello Friends, Family, People Who Stumbled onto Our Blog while Google Searching,

Today is Sunday, the third day of our Christmas Break. I’m already wondering what to do with my time. I’ve grown unaccustomed to having free time. We’ve had one, maybe two, free weekends this semester. I’ve come home exhausted and emotionally spent nearly every day. We’ve coached volleyball (not me—ha!), subbed at dorms, attended school trips, had meetings, filmed stuff, had many a conversation, spoken in dorms, spoken in chapel, taught sex ed, made meals, served cider, and much, much more. We’re very tired, and very in need of this break.

Yet despite our exhaustion, I can only think of how very blessed I am. I am so very blessed.

God was gracious to us this semester—it was normal! There were no major life crises! We’ve been able to focus on our jobs without being weighed down with fresh grief, though there has been some less-than-fresh grief thrown in there.

My semester has been filled with God. God in me, God through me, God in other people. I’ve been daily amazed that I get to do what I do. I get to talk to girls all day—about boys, about home, about family, about heartache, about what it means to follow Jesus, about truth. This semester, I’ve been continually overwhelmed by the students I get to know and the conversations I get to have with them.

These students are amazing. They live all over the world. They speak multiple languages. They live between cultures. Their experiences have made them unique. They view the world through wide, open eyes. I love their uniqueness. I love their hearts more.

This has been a semester filled with serious issues. You name it, I’ve probably had a conversation about it—death, addiction, abuse, fear, loneliness, self-hatred. I’ve been privileged to be part of conversations about sin and suffering, brokenness and redemption, grief and healing. I’m honestly amazed that these girls talk to me (me!), that I get to speak into their lives, that they trust me. I’ve asked myself many times, why me? Why are you using me, God? Why are you blessing me with all of this goodness? Whatever the answers are to those questions, I’m grateful.

Two years ago, in this post, I said that I wanted to learn to love people better. In the past two years, God has taught me to love people better. Much of my learning has come through my own heartbreak, grief, brokenness and despair. Many of those lessons have also come through realizing what false love tends to look like in my life—a perverse desire to play Jesus to people, to save them myself rather than wanting him to do it. But I’ve also seen truer reflections of my Father’s love in my heart. I see greater hope and faith on other people’s behalf. I see greater patience. I see greater compassion. I see a greater willingness to put myself out there at the risk of being rejected or hurt. Praise God for his continued redemption!

I want to tell you all about these girls, who I love so very much. I want to tell you their stories and what God’s doing in their lives, but they’re not my stories to tell. I can’t tell you their stories without doing some serious permission-asking beforehand. Just know, dear friends, that these girls are precious. I get to weep and rejoice with them. I get to be frustrated when it seems like I’m pounding my head on a brick wall, and stand amazed when a kernel of truth takes root in their hearts. I get to share in their precious heartaches and stand witness to the slow, but steady, healing work of Jesus in those heartaches. I get to give coffee, and hugs, and makeovers, and conversation, and truth, and tears, and love. I get to know more about my Father’s love for me as I grow in love for these girls.

Jesus has been kind to me. I am utterly amazed. I wish I could sit down with you, a stack of photos, and a cup of coffee and tell you all about the girls I get to know and love. I wish you could meet them and share in the knowledge of their utter awesomeness, but until we’re on the other side of eternity, that probably won’t happen. So take my meager thanks instead.

Thank you, dear friends. Thank you for allowing us to be here. This has been the hardest, bestest place for us. This has been one of the most worthwhile things we’ve ever done. These kids are worth it. Jesus is at work here, in us, in these students, in the world. It feels inadequate every time I say this, but you really do allow us to be here. Your prayers, your giving, and your support are what keep us here. I feel overwhelmed with gratitude.

I really don’t care about Christmas gifts this year, and I think it’s because my heart is so full of precious gifts already. What more could I want?

Well folks, it’s been a looong time since our last update. I’ll skip the list of reasons for our silence, and jump straight to the good stuff.

Summer Happened

This summer was full. We did some manual labor, had family visit, and moved twice. July was filled with an intensive German course, which gave us a little more language confidence. Wir sprechen Deutsch ein bisschen besser. (If you speak German, you may be able to tell just how little better by that sentence.)

School’s back in session!

In late August, BFA started up again. We’re so glad not to be new this year! It’s wonderful to know how BFA operates, know what all those crazy acronyms mean, and best of all, to know students! God has already blessed us with some amazing, truth-filled, life-changing conversations with students.

Israel and the Screaming Girls

Israel is coaching JV Girl’s Volleyball this year. Last year he helped out, but now he’s an official coach. This means daily practices and traveling to games every weekend. Israel seems to be uniquely equipped, by his five sisters, to deal with all the screaming involved in a six hour bus ride with 20 teenage girls. He’s very much enjoying coaching, but it makes for a very tiring schedule.

Dani Goes to School

I am in my last few weeks of a Biblical Counseling class through the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation. The class is called Foundations of Biblical Change and has been incredibly applicable, both to my own life and to my conversations with girls. Already this year, several girls have come to me with some pretty serious things, so the training I’m receiving through this class has been incredibly helpful. I hope to continue with more classes next semester.

Hello Long-Term Commitment?

Our initial commitment to BFA was for two years; this is our second year. Because it takes several months for BFA to fill empty positions, the school asks us to make next year’s commitment in October. A few weeks ago, we turned in a sheet of paper indicating that we would be at BFA next school year. We feel that we need to stay here until God tells us to go somewhere else. We’re excited about this decision and about being able to invest here longer term. This will mean more support raising this summer and, hopefully, more language learning, but we’re excited about the ways God will provide through these opportunities.

Pray for Us. Pretty Please!

• Busy, Busy, Busy — As our lack of updates indicate, we’re crazy busy! We’ve had very little free time since school started. We hope things will slow down a bit in mid-November, once volleyball and my class are over, but we’re already looking forward to Christmas Break.
• Chapel Talk — I, Dani, am speaking in High School Chapel on November 11th. I think I’ll be speaking about the miscarriages and what God’s been teaching me through them, but I don’t really know what “the point” of my talk is yet, partially because I’m still in the middle of this journey. I’m also sharing my story of dealing with sexual addiction in a dorm on Sunday. Prayer is much appreciated!
• Student Issues — God’s allowed us to join girls in pretty serious issues this year. We feel privileged to get to walk with them toward Jesus, but we can also feel rather helpless! We know, though, that Jesus is the only one who saves and changes. Pray for wisdom for us, and for redemption and salvation for the students!
• Summer and Future Plans – We’re still many months away, but summer will be upon us sooner than we think. This will mean travel, finding temporary housing and a car, and raising more support. We’re also in the process of deciding what direction to take for our family, whether fertility, adoption or something else.

We love you all! We’ll try to get another update out before Christmas!

The entire BFA community is pretty excited about this, let me tell you. Not only are all the students heading home to see their families (Family!) and to return to the place they love, but 88 students and leaders are going on Mission Trips. We have five trips heading to Africa, Eastern Europe and East Asia. There was a trip going to the Middle East but it was canceled due to unrest there. These students and leaders will be doing construction, evangelizing, working with orphans, teaching and more.

I’m not looking forward to Spring Break because we’re going on a mission trip (we decided not to lead one this year), or visiting Italy or any other such thing. I’m looking forward to Spring Break because it’s a break—a wonderful, glorious, two week long break. Thank you Jesus!

I’ve been looking forward to this break so very much (as if you couldn’t tell). People keep asking us where we’re going over break, and I say “nowhere” with a big, toothy smile.

Rest = Goodness

I realized recently that with the pregnancies, miscarriages and resulting emotional roller coaster, I still don’t feel settled here. It seems that every few weeks some major event rocks my little world so much that I don’t have the time, energy, or normalcy to get used to life in Germany and at BFA. For example, going to the grocery store still frequently stresses me out, my house is rarely clean, and I still get overwhelmed by every new thing. I know many of the other first-year staff members are experiencing the same things, but I feel a little behind the adjustment curve.

We have yet to have a rest in Germany. We had Christmas Break, but with family visiting and then going to Turkey, it wasn’t restful in the way we needed it to be.

I firmly believe that people need breaks, even missionaries. BFA life is crazy. There is always something to do: a soccer game, a play, a small group, a student, a project…. It’s wonderful, but it’s also exhausting. We could literally fill up all of our time. Yes, our time would be full of worthwhile things, but we’d be too busy to be effective at any of them.

I’m looking forward to this break because I need to enjoy being here. I need some time to stop merely making it through the day, and to actually look forward to things again. The past few weeks, when girls come in to see me, I often have trouble having a conversation or staying focused. Sometimes I’m just so tired! I know this is all some combination of cultural adjustment and grief, but it’s frustrating and it makes me feel so ineffective.

My hope is that, when we return from break, I’ll be more present. I want to be able to soak up the last few weeks of school with these students. There are Seniors graduating who I’ll sorely miss. My small group girls will be leaving for the summer. The end of the year is quickly approaching and I want to value what’s left of it.

Pray

If you would be so kind, could you pray for a few things over the next few days?

Pray for:

• Safe travel for students, staff and mission trips. Many people are traveling even as I post this.
• For God to work through the mission trips, both in the teams and in the communities where they are serving
• For rest and rejuvenation, both for ourselves and for the rest of the BFA community
• Israel happened to roll his ankle quite badly yesterday morning. Please pray that his ankle heals quickly so he’s not confined to the house the whole break.

Since we’re pretty free over break, we’ll have lots of time to SKYPE! Let us know if you’d like to schedule a Skype date sometime before Easter. We’re skyping with our community group in Arkansas on Tuesday. So excited!

Several of you have asked how the High School Retreat went. Unfortunately, we can only tell you what we’ve heard from others, because we didn’t go.

We had another miscarriage.

I don’t really know what to say….

We were seven weeks pregnant. I’d known I was pregnant pretty much since conception. I’d felt better about this pregnancy because I’d had morning sickness. I’d even looked at names, which I didn’t do last time. The one that kept running through my head was Beatrice, which means “bringer of joy.”

We’d just been to the doctor that Wednesday. We were hoping to see the heartbeat, but didn’t. She said we could have simply been a few days too early. That afternoon I started cramping and spotting. Israel’s parents also flew in that afternoon to lead worship at the retreat.

By Thursday morning, I was bleeding and cramping badly. I laid in bed for about an hour trying to decide whether to go to the retreat or stay home. I finally decided that, even if I did go, I’d be so distracted that I wouldn’t do any good. Israel’s parents spent the day with us and went to the retreat location in Switzerland on Friday.

From what I’ve heard, retreat was amazing. Students were challenged, ministered to, and encouraged. Fortunately, the co-leader of my small group was able to attend and be with our girls. Our small group grew in vulnerability and closeness, which I’m so excited about. My small group girls have just blossomed in the past few months. It’s amazing. I hate that I didn’t get to go to retreat. What awful timing.

Israel and I spent the weekend alone. It was different this time. I didn’t cry much; last time I couldn’t stop crying.

I value being present in whatever I’m experiencing—joy, grief, disappointment. I was present during our last miscarriage, but I’m not now. I think my lack of grief is a combination of our cautious attitudes toward the pregnancy, the circumstances of the weekend, and my fear of reliving last semester.

Last semester was probably the hardest of our lives. Not only did we experience a heartbreaking miscarriage, but I felt the repercussions of it for quite a while (which is why you’ve heard so little from me over the past few months). December was an awful month for me. I was depressed. Some days I didn’t think I could get out of bed. Some days I couldn’t stop crying. Israel didn’t know what to do. I just kept praying, “Jesus help me,” and trusting that he would bring me through my darkness.

I think that’s partly why I’m afraid to grieve, because I’m afraid of going back to that dark place. I know Israel is.

So, here we are, in the midst of another loss—confused, frustrated, numb, afraid.

I’m wondering if, in the future, I’ll be able to let myself fall in love with a child I might never meet. I’m confused about whether I’m a mother if my children never took a breath. I’m confused about what it means that, as everyone says, there must have been something seriously wrong with our babies for my body to end the pregnancies. I’m confused about what caused this—God, Satan, our broken world?

I don’t know how to grieve without being angry, or pointing a finger at God. And I don’t want to be angry, because that’s part of what he taught me last time—that he is good, that he is loving, that he loves my children. How do I grieve without accusing him, or doubting his wisdom, or hating him for a time?

I don’t know.

So, we’re here, weathering this storm, feeling tiny spasms of grief in the midst of our numbness.

We went to the doctor again a few days ago. She did an ultrasound and said that a small amount of tissue remains in my uterus. She took some blood in order to monitor my hormone levels. If my hormone levels haven’t gone down by next week, I’ll need to have surgery. Please pray that my body will take care of everything; I really don’t want to have surgery again.

“Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.” Psalm 86:4

Dani’s Office from Israel Jernigan on Vimeo.

Here’s a little video of my office at Black Forest Academy. This is where I spend my time, mostly meeting with girls over a cup of coffee or tea. Enjoy!

So I’m getting ready to launch the new BFA (Black Forest Academy) website! That’s what I’ve been doing during the beginning of this semester. Calling, emailing, talking, calling, emailing, talking, calling…that’s what I’ve been doing half the time. I’ve been collecting all the content, getting it updated, typed up, edited, and approved by all those involved. Hopefully by the time you read this post I will have most of the content ready to go, and formatted for the world to see. I’m really excited, and can’t wait to hit the launch button.

It’s been a busy last few weeks. The first week of school I had the flu. And over here, doctors don’t just hand out antibiotics for everything like in America. So I had to resort to the good ol’ juice-and-rest routine. After that I was able to start thinking clearly and got to work on finishing the website.

It’s all about the little details.

There are still some minor issues I’m having with different areas of the website, and some content that I need to write up for some of the new sections. But all-in-all, it’s almost there. I had hoped to have launched it by the beginning of this last week, but was unable to since I lost a week. Personal deadlines are typically arbitrary anyways.

So look forward to an update from me soon about the website being launched, and a link for everyone to go check it out.

New Features

• Better organization of the content
• Easier to update content
• More content (from 100 to now over 350 pages)
• Specific content geared towards the school’s main audiences (parents, students, staff)
• More galleries and photos at the tops of pages!
• Fun staff profiles (now you can see staff by category, like: Athletics or Personnel)

Future Plans

• Videos (interviews, dorm experiences, parent’s comments, etc.)
• Subscriptions (gallery updates, rss, email notifications, etc.)
• Content geared towards Korean and German (not just a translation)
• Frequent news/updates written by staff/alumni/guests
• Showcasing of students’ work (art, music, science, etc.)
• A better more helpful calendar
• And much more…

Here Are Some Current Screenshots

Well right now we are staying warm inside on a very snowy white Christmas! Dani is trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube (starting from the solved position) and I built a two-seater car. We are really glad to have some time to ourselves and to have a short break.

My dad and Raina just left from being here for about 10 days. We went to France, Switzerland, and of course Germany. They wanted to see all of Europe, but that wasn’t going to happen. We both miss having family here for the holiday seasons. Christmas is amazing here, but it isn’t the the same without family.

Dani solving the Rubix Cube, from the end.

Israel making a two-seater car.

The Past Months

So I’m going to try and recap our last two or so months here in Kandern, Germany. We’ve had some really great experiences and some not so good ones, from working in the dorms during Thanksgiving, to having the car break down on our way back to Germany.

Herbstmesse

This is the fall festival/fair that happens at various places around the area. Pretty much everything is closed except food and rides. The school takes a day trip to Basel for all the students to be able to take part in the festivities. It was pretty crazy seeing all the rides. It was like a little carnival. But the big hit at Herbstmesse every year are the bumper cars. I guess those are always popular no matter where you are. You can see the pictures here → Herbstmesse Gallery.

Thanksgiving in Germany

So, of course, there is no Thanksgiving celebration in Germany. (I wonder why?) But the school and the individual dorms celebrate the event during the month of November. At the dorm we substitute at, Blauen, we helped prepare the food and get ready for the meal. It was a great evening with the girls at the dorm, and with the other couples who help, at the dorm, as well. You can see the pictures here → Blauen Thanskgiving Gallery.

Storch Dorm

So Dani and I also go visit a few of the other dorms. One of those is Storchenblick, or Storch for short. I had to get our car worked on after the first freeze. The driver’s side door decided to not unlock anymore, and we also hadn’t put our snow tires on the car. So, one of the girls at Storch, who speaks German, helped me translate at the local auto-shop, Auto Brehm. We got our car back a few days ago, with new locks/keys and tires. Yeah! I also took a mid-semester group picture for them. You can see the pictures here → Storch Group Gallery.

Christmas Banquet

The school has a few banquets during the fall semester, and one of the biggest is the Christmas Banquet. This years theme was a Masquerade Ball, and the Student Council decide to just do desserts instead of a full meal. It was alot of fun, and there were some great skits that happened. The school grants wishes every year that the students submit, and one of those was for all the Korean guys to go up and sing on stage. Needless to say it was hilarious, and not all the guys knew what they were getting into. You can see the pictures here → Christmas Banquet Gallery.

Last But Not Least, The Visit

So my dad and my youngest sister, Raina, came to visit us for about 10 days. They wanted to see everything in Europe. We are not that adventurous, or capable. So we ended up visiting just a few places. We went to a castle, Haut-Kœnigsbourg, and a cute little village called Riquewihr in France. They walked around Lörrach (without us). And had a few days to walk around in Kandern Germany. We then went to Adelboden, Switzerland and skied the Alps. And then on the next to last day took a train and visited a few towns on the way to the Christmas Market in Freiburg, Germany.

So, Coming Back From Switzerland

We were driving along, minding our own business, when all of a sudden the engine light comes on, and the car starts overheating! Seconds wizzed by, and moments later…Okay, ignore the melodrama. We did end up getting stranded in Heimburg-Bern, Switzerland for about 5 hours more than we had planned. The radiator had overheated. It was too late in the evening to find help, and we had no cell-phones. So after looking for possible solutions Dani and Raina found a wireless signal without a password, which is illegal in Germany. (I’m not sure about Switzerland.) And we used the wireless internet, the laptops we had, and cell phones to find help.

We were eventually able to Facebook, make Google calls and email our way into finding someone to pick us up and call for help for the car. We found our way to a McDonalds, had some food, and our ride picked us up and took us back home. It was a crazy unexpected twist that taught me that I will have to look into getting a cell phone plan here if I’m’ going to be doing some more driving. We all went home exhausted and overwhelmed since this was two days before they went back home.

‘Tis the Season

So overall we’ve had a good first semester. It’s been much more difficult then we expected. And there have been plenty of unexpected challenges along the way. We’ve learned alot about the trials of marriage, living in another culture/language, and developing a new life in a new world. We love it here. But are learning that it’s not always easy: like getting stuck in Switzerland.

We hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Drive safe, and always wear your seat belts. We love you all, and are very thankful for the gifts and prayers that have been sent our way.

- Israel and Dani

Today, on the 26th of November, 2010, the first snow has fallen! We woke up this morning and were blessed with an amazing picture of white all around. I am loving it! I decided to take some photos of our walk to school with all the snow. I hope you enjoy and are able to see a little more into our daily routine. Short post ended. Love you all!

First Semester at BFA from Israel Jernigan on Vimeo.
The song in the video is Your Glory by Sons and Daughters. It is used with their permission.