In two days, 60-something seniors will graduate from Black Forest Academy. This is a big deal. It’s a big deal because it’s a milestone they’ve been working towards for 12-plus years, but it’s also a big deal because graduation will usher in what will probably be the biggest change of their lives.

Senior Transition Day

In April, I had the privilege of participating in Senior Transition Day. It was a day meant to help prepare them for transitioning to their passport countries. The day covered topics like building community, what it’s like to go to college as a Third Culture Kid, how to say goodbye to BFA, and how to say hello to America. The Seniors even received practical information about opening a bank account, what documents they need to take, and what to consider when getting a phone plan. I spoke on a panel just for the girls. We talked about managing your time and money, The Freshman 15, drinking, dating, boundaries, sex, extracurriculars and more. I was very excited to participate and greatly enjoyed my time with the girls. I hope the Seniors learned from this day; I certainly did. I walked away from Senior Transition Day with a greater appreciation for the immensity of the change these kids are about to encounter.

College is a big transition for everyone. For most people it means moving away from home, being on your own for the first time, learning to manage your money, your time, your weight, and a whole slew of other things. But BFA kids aren’t your average American teens. These are kids who’ve spent more of their time speaking French than English, who grew up using the British Pound instead of the America Dollar, who know their shoe size as 41 rather than 9. The majority of the BFA Seniors have no bank account, no driver’s license and no idea how to pay their bills. For most Third Culture Kids, college is a HUGE transition.

Simple Question, Difficult Answer

For example, one of the questions I got asked most often during my first few weeks of college was, “Where are you from?” With BFA kids, I make a point not to ask this question. When I do, I get blank stares and then a slew of questions. “Do you mean in America? Where I’ve lived the longest? Where I live now? Where my parents are from?” Instead, I ask, “Where is your family now?” Can you imagine how challenging this seemingly simple question will be when they encounter it 500 times during their first week of college? Should they even try to explain?

Some TCKs have spent no more than a few months at a time in their passport country. They may speak the language, be an American (or Canadian, or Korean, or Australian) citizen, and look the part, but inside, they don’t feel American. They feel Turkish, or Italian, or probably a combination of all three. Finding out who you are is a difficult task for anyone, but for TCKs, there are whole other arenas of identity to figure out.

These students have rich, diverse, and distinctive histories, backgrounds and experiences. These aren’t your average American kids (I recently heard one student list off the seven languages that he speaks), they’re going to face more challenges than the average college freshman. But underneath all of the challenges are the same basic questions: Who am I? Where do I fit? What is my purpose?

Pray for Seniors

Could you pray for these seniors as they embark on the journey of adulthood?

Pray for courage. Pray for grace. Pray for patience.

Pray that they will be willing to ask for help, would be gracious with their fellow countrymen who might not understand, and would run to Jesus in their distress. Pray that they would know the nearness of God in the midst of what might seem like a vast loneliness. Pray that they would learn that He is their identity; He is their home.

The entire BFA community is pretty excited about this, let me tell you. Not only are all the students heading home to see their families (Family!) and to return to the place they love, but 88 students and leaders are going on Mission Trips. We have five trips heading to Africa, Eastern Europe and East Asia. There was a trip going to the Middle East but it was canceled due to unrest there. These students and leaders will be doing construction, evangelizing, working with orphans, teaching and more.

I’m not looking forward to Spring Break because we’re going on a mission trip (we decided not to lead one this year), or visiting Italy or any other such thing. I’m looking forward to Spring Break because it’s a break—a wonderful, glorious, two week long break. Thank you Jesus!

I’ve been looking forward to this break so very much (as if you couldn’t tell). People keep asking us where we’re going over break, and I say “nowhere” with a big, toothy smile.

Rest = Goodness

I realized recently that with the pregnancies, miscarriages and resulting emotional roller coaster, I still don’t feel settled here. It seems that every few weeks some major event rocks my little world so much that I don’t have the time, energy, or normalcy to get used to life in Germany and at BFA. For example, going to the grocery store still frequently stresses me out, my house is rarely clean, and I still get overwhelmed by every new thing. I know many of the other first-year staff members are experiencing the same things, but I feel a little behind the adjustment curve.

We have yet to have a rest in Germany. We had Christmas Break, but with family visiting and then going to Turkey, it wasn’t restful in the way we needed it to be.

I firmly believe that people need breaks, even missionaries. BFA life is crazy. There is always something to do: a soccer game, a play, a small group, a student, a project…. It’s wonderful, but it’s also exhausting. We could literally fill up all of our time. Yes, our time would be full of worthwhile things, but we’d be too busy to be effective at any of them.

I’m looking forward to this break because I need to enjoy being here. I need some time to stop merely making it through the day, and to actually look forward to things again. The past few weeks, when girls come in to see me, I often have trouble having a conversation or staying focused. Sometimes I’m just so tired! I know this is all some combination of cultural adjustment and grief, but it’s frustrating and it makes me feel so ineffective.

My hope is that, when we return from break, I’ll be more present. I want to be able to soak up the last few weeks of school with these students. There are Seniors graduating who I’ll sorely miss. My small group girls will be leaving for the summer. The end of the year is quickly approaching and I want to value what’s left of it.

Pray

If you would be so kind, could you pray for a few things over the next few days?

Pray for:

• Safe travel for students, staff and mission trips. Many people are traveling even as I post this.
• For God to work through the mission trips, both in the teams and in the communities where they are serving
• For rest and rejuvenation, both for ourselves and for the rest of the BFA community
• Israel happened to roll his ankle quite badly yesterday morning. Please pray that his ankle heals quickly so he’s not confined to the house the whole break.

Since we’re pretty free over break, we’ll have lots of time to SKYPE! Let us know if you’d like to schedule a Skype date sometime before Easter. We’re skyping with our community group in Arkansas on Tuesday. So excited!

Several of you have asked how the High School Retreat went. Unfortunately, we can only tell you what we’ve heard from others, because we didn’t go.

We had another miscarriage.

I don’t really know what to say….

We were seven weeks pregnant. I’d known I was pregnant pretty much since conception. I’d felt better about this pregnancy because I’d had morning sickness. I’d even looked at names, which I didn’t do last time. The one that kept running through my head was Beatrice, which means “bringer of joy.”

We’d just been to the doctor that Wednesday. We were hoping to see the heartbeat, but didn’t. She said we could have simply been a few days too early. That afternoon I started cramping and spotting. Israel’s parents also flew in that afternoon to lead worship at the retreat.

By Thursday morning, I was bleeding and cramping badly. I laid in bed for about an hour trying to decide whether to go to the retreat or stay home. I finally decided that, even if I did go, I’d be so distracted that I wouldn’t do any good. Israel’s parents spent the day with us and went to the retreat location in Switzerland on Friday.

From what I’ve heard, retreat was amazing. Students were challenged, ministered to, and encouraged. Fortunately, the co-leader of my small group was able to attend and be with our girls. Our small group grew in vulnerability and closeness, which I’m so excited about. My small group girls have just blossomed in the past few months. It’s amazing. I hate that I didn’t get to go to retreat. What awful timing.

Israel and I spent the weekend alone. It was different this time. I didn’t cry much; last time I couldn’t stop crying.

I value being present in whatever I’m experiencing—joy, grief, disappointment. I was present during our last miscarriage, but I’m not now. I think my lack of grief is a combination of our cautious attitudes toward the pregnancy, the circumstances of the weekend, and my fear of reliving last semester.

Last semester was probably the hardest of our lives. Not only did we experience a heartbreaking miscarriage, but I felt the repercussions of it for quite a while (which is why you’ve heard so little from me over the past few months). December was an awful month for me. I was depressed. Some days I didn’t think I could get out of bed. Some days I couldn’t stop crying. Israel didn’t know what to do. I just kept praying, “Jesus help me,” and trusting that he would bring me through my darkness.

I think that’s partly why I’m afraid to grieve, because I’m afraid of going back to that dark place. I know Israel is.

So, here we are, in the midst of another loss—confused, frustrated, numb, afraid.

I’m wondering if, in the future, I’ll be able to let myself fall in love with a child I might never meet. I’m confused about whether I’m a mother if my children never took a breath. I’m confused about what it means that, as everyone says, there must have been something seriously wrong with our babies for my body to end the pregnancies. I’m confused about what caused this—God, Satan, our broken world?

I don’t know how to grieve without being angry, or pointing a finger at God. And I don’t want to be angry, because that’s part of what he taught me last time—that he is good, that he is loving, that he loves my children. How do I grieve without accusing him, or doubting his wisdom, or hating him for a time?

I don’t know.

So, we’re here, weathering this storm, feeling tiny spasms of grief in the midst of our numbness.

We went to the doctor again a few days ago. She did an ultrasound and said that a small amount of tissue remains in my uterus. She took some blood in order to monitor my hormone levels. If my hormone levels haven’t gone down by next week, I’ll need to have surgery. Please pray that my body will take care of everything; I really don’t want to have surgery again.

“Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.” Psalm 86:4

One of the biggest BFA events is upon us—The High School Retreat. It’s happening this coming weekend, Friday through Sunday. The theme for this weekend is Restoration. A time of rest physical and of rest spiritually for staff and students alike. There will be time for sleep, sledding, ice-skating, snow activities, shopping, just loads of stuff not school related. My dad is going to be leading worship, and Rod Taylor will be speaking.

This is the Theme Verse for the Weekend

Restore us to yourself, LORD, that we may return;
Renew our days, as of old
Lamentations 5:21

Please Pray

We ask that you lift up this weekend:

• That Dani and the entire chaplains’ staff would get everything done that they need to regarding planning for this weekend.
• Pray that my parents arrive here safely—My dad is leading the music for the retreat.
• Dennis and Rod as they lead and speak.
• Safety traveling this weekend and while at Lenk.
• Pray that the weekend is restful.
• Pray that the students are receptive and open to Dennis’ worship style. It is different than they are used to.
• Pray that the students desire to see God change their lives.
• Pray that there would be an atmosphere of openness and stability.

Well right now we are staying warm inside on a very snowy white Christmas! Dani is trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube (starting from the solved position) and I built a two-seater car. We are really glad to have some time to ourselves and to have a short break.

My dad and Raina just left from being here for about 10 days. We went to France, Switzerland, and of course Germany. They wanted to see all of Europe, but that wasn’t going to happen. We both miss having family here for the holiday seasons. Christmas is amazing here, but it isn’t the the same without family.

Dani solving the Rubix Cube, from the end.

Israel making a two-seater car.

The Past Months

So I’m going to try and recap our last two or so months here in Kandern, Germany. We’ve had some really great experiences and some not so good ones, from working in the dorms during Thanksgiving, to having the car break down on our way back to Germany.

Herbstmesse

This is the fall festival/fair that happens at various places around the area. Pretty much everything is closed except food and rides. The school takes a day trip to Basel for all the students to be able to take part in the festivities. It was pretty crazy seeing all the rides. It was like a little carnival. But the big hit at Herbstmesse every year are the bumper cars. I guess those are always popular no matter where you are. You can see the pictures here → Herbstmesse Gallery.

Thanksgiving in Germany

So, of course, there is no Thanksgiving celebration in Germany. (I wonder why?) But the school and the individual dorms celebrate the event during the month of November. At the dorm we substitute at, Blauen, we helped prepare the food and get ready for the meal. It was a great evening with the girls at the dorm, and with the other couples who help, at the dorm, as well. You can see the pictures here → Blauen Thanskgiving Gallery.

Storch Dorm

So Dani and I also go visit a few of the other dorms. One of those is Storchenblick, or Storch for short. I had to get our car worked on after the first freeze. The driver’s side door decided to not unlock anymore, and we also hadn’t put our snow tires on the car. So, one of the girls at Storch, who speaks German, helped me translate at the local auto-shop, Auto Brehm. We got our car back a few days ago, with new locks/keys and tires. Yeah! I also took a mid-semester group picture for them. You can see the pictures here → Storch Group Gallery.

Christmas Banquet

The school has a few banquets during the fall semester, and one of the biggest is the Christmas Banquet. This years theme was a Masquerade Ball, and the Student Council decide to just do desserts instead of a full meal. It was alot of fun, and there were some great skits that happened. The school grants wishes every year that the students submit, and one of those was for all the Korean guys to go up and sing on stage. Needless to say it was hilarious, and not all the guys knew what they were getting into. You can see the pictures here → Christmas Banquet Gallery.

Last But Not Least, The Visit

So my dad and my youngest sister, Raina, came to visit us for about 10 days. They wanted to see everything in Europe. We are not that adventurous, or capable. So we ended up visiting just a few places. We went to a castle, Haut-Kœnigsbourg, and a cute little village called Riquewihr in France. They walked around Lörrach (without us). And had a few days to walk around in Kandern Germany. We then went to Adelboden, Switzerland and skied the Alps. And then on the next to last day took a train and visited a few towns on the way to the Christmas Market in Freiburg, Germany.

So, Coming Back From Switzerland

We were driving along, minding our own business, when all of a sudden the engine light comes on, and the car starts overheating! Seconds wizzed by, and moments later…Okay, ignore the melodrama. We did end up getting stranded in Heimburg-Bern, Switzerland for about 5 hours more than we had planned. The radiator had overheated. It was too late in the evening to find help, and we had no cell-phones. So after looking for possible solutions Dani and Raina found a wireless signal without a password, which is illegal in Germany. (I’m not sure about Switzerland.) And we used the wireless internet, the laptops we had, and cell phones to find help.

We were eventually able to Facebook, make Google calls and email our way into finding someone to pick us up and call for help for the car. We found our way to a McDonalds, had some food, and our ride picked us up and took us back home. It was a crazy unexpected twist that taught me that I will have to look into getting a cell phone plan here if I’m’ going to be doing some more driving. We all went home exhausted and overwhelmed since this was two days before they went back home.

‘Tis the Season

So overall we’ve had a good first semester. It’s been much more difficult then we expected. And there have been plenty of unexpected challenges along the way. We’ve learned alot about the trials of marriage, living in another culture/language, and developing a new life in a new world. We love it here. But are learning that it’s not always easy: like getting stuck in Switzerland.

We hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Drive safe, and always wear your seat belts. We love you all, and are very thankful for the gifts and prayers that have been sent our way.

- Israel and Dani

Please read this entire post. Thanks.

I’m sharing this with you because you are important to us. I want you to know what is going on in my heart. I want you to share in our sorrow, so that you can one day rejoice with us too. I feel like I should ask something of you when you read this, but I don’t know what that would be. I’ve found great healing in being honest and vulnerable, perhaps this is a part of my healing, or yours.

Our History

Israel and I have wanted a baby for years. About a year and a half after we were married, we thought we were pregnant, or rather, everyone in my family thought we were pregnant. It wasn’t in our plan to get pregnant at the time, we were going to move to Seattle and go to grad school. But, the potential of being pregnant changed our plans. Why not start trying? Why not stay close to our families? Why not start early and be young grandparents?

On January 1, 2008, I took my last birth control pill. And we waited. And we waited. And we waited. The first year was difficult. Birth control had messed with my body quite a bit. We’d go for a month or two thinking we could be pregnant, but there was never a positive test. Once, I went four months without having a period. Eventually, with the help of some medicine, things went back to normal, but by that time, I had withdrawn. I’d hidden the part of me that cared whether we got pregnant, because I couldn’t hope for it anymore. And our families stopped asking, because the answer was always no.

Then we found out about Black Forest Academy, and suddenly it all made sense. If our plans had worked out, we would never be able to move to Germany quickly. If we’d had a baby and a house and had been in grad school, there was no way we’d be able to move so easily. At that point, my desire changed. I didn’t want to be pregnant yet; I wanted to be able to fully invest in BFA for a while. So, we went to Germany on July 16th.

The Blueberry

On Sunday, August 29th, I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. According to the way they count pregnancy, my first day of pregnancy was two days before we left, July 14th. We couldn’t believe it. How in the world could this be possible? We’d just finished the first week of school!

Before I took the test, I was angry that I might be pregnant. God knew that I didn’t want this now! He knew that I wouldn’t be able to fully invest while taking care of a baby! But by Monday afternoon, my heart was already gone, given to the tiny one growing inside me. We called it the Blueberry, because that’s how big it was when we found out. The Blueberry was due on April 20th, 2011. It was clear that this was God’s perfect timing. He wanted us in Germany and he wanted us to have a baby now.

A Sudden Goodbye

On Friday, September 10th, I found blood. I was at school at the time. I sat in my office for two hours, wrapped in blanket, quickly wiping my tears away in case someone walked in. Eventually, my dear friend did come in, and I felt brave enough to walk home with her. I was just entering my ninth week.

The weekend was horribly confusing. We were told by a doctor who is on staff at BFA that there was a 50/50 chance of miscarrying. I cramped and spotted on and off from Friday morning until Sunday evening. I couldn’t go to a doctor for an ultrasound because they were closed until Tuesday. On Monday, I was sure I was miscarrying. On Tuesday, the doctor confirmed it. There on the screen was the little Blueberry, but no heartbeat. On Wednesday morning, we went to the hospital for a D&C.

In the Valley

I don’t know that I’ve ever cried so much in one week. I know that I’ve never wept like I did on Friday evening, when I found more blood. After finding it, I sat down next to Israel and began to sob—deep, uncontrollable sobs. Israel had never stopped wanting a baby. He was excited from the moment that little purple line showed up, and I felt like I was taking that from him. I felt guilty and ashamed and embarrassed.

I don’t really know how to process this. I don’t know what the point of this is, or what God is doing.

I was already learning so much! In June, God started working on the most wounded places of my heart, places that I thought he’d already healed, but that were still bleeding. So he’s been teaching me that he is good, that he is my loving Father, that he cares about me, that he knows me, that he loves me. I know all of these things about God, but I don’t believe them. What I believe is that God only does things in my life so that he will get glory and so that I will learn the lessons that I fail to teach myself. I think he does these things with no real regard or care for me. I believe that God doesn’t really know me. I believe that God doesn’t really love me, or comfort me, or sit with me when I cry. But he’s been gently removing the layers of protection I’ve build around my wounds, so that he can heal them. I knew that the Blueberry was part of that healing.

And then the Blueberry left, and I found myself bewildered. I don’t understand what this means about who God is. I don’t know how to believe that God is loving in this. I don’t know how to believe that he cares about me or the Blueberry. Why would he let us get pregnant immediately after getting to Germany and then take it away only two weeks after we found out? We told our families we were pregnant on Sunday, September 5th; we told them about the miscarriage only one week later. What is the purpose in that? It just seems like cruelty.

But I’m trying to hold on to what I hope is true. God is love. God is good. God cares for me. He cares for the Blueberry. He is holding the Blueberry while we cannot. He did not cause this, but will bring good from it. He loves me in this, and holds me while I cry. He hurts when I hurt.

This has brought me to the edge of myself. I wrote this in an email to a friend, “Maybe that’s why he did it now, because he knew this would bring me to the brink of myself, where I have nothing left and am totally shattered. I feel so needy; I don’t like it. I have nothing.”

I am heartbroken. I am confused. I am shattered. I am empty. I don’t know if I’m angry, perhaps I feel forsaken. But I’m believing that God is present and is big enough to hold this weight of sorrow. I’m clinging to the hope that He will save me from these waters, which have come up to my neck. And when he does, I will let him hold me, and I will rest in him, and I will call him my Papa. Because he loves me even more than I loved the Blueberry, who I had yet to even meet.

The day before my surgery, I asked God to give me a sunrise. God gives thunder to one of my friends as a sign of his love for her. I’ve been trying to believe that He would do that for me to. So I asked him for a sunrise, because I’ve always loved them. I stared at the sky the whole way to the hospital; it was a normal sky—blue with white clouds. I had just decided that he wouldn’t give me one, but we rounded a corner, and there it was. Pink marble resting on the hills of the Black Forest.

That morning, I wrote Psalm 32:7 on a note card and kept it in my pocket. “You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance.” Though I may not be able to hear it yet, he is shouting deliverance around me. He is roaring at the darkness and scattering it. Soon I will be able to hear my Papa coming for me.

Tomorrow Is the Day, the First Day of School

Woah. Can you believe it? We’ve been waiting for over a year to meet the students of Black Forest Academy, and now we get to. It will be extremely exciting, I’m sure.

We’ll start the day off with BFA’s Opening Ceremony, which includes a flag processional for all of the different countries represented this year. For those of you who’ve been to JBU, it’s like International Chapel, which pretty much guarantees that Dani will cry.  The Opening Ceremony is meant to be inspiring and fun for all involved, especially the students.  Right now, that’s all I know specifically about the first day of school. I’m sure Dani knows way more specifics, but my main job will be taking pictures and capturing what goes on.

The First Time For Many Students

After the Opening Ceremony tomorrow, parents will say goodbye to their kids. We’re told that it’s a very difficult time, with lots of tears. Tomorrow will be the first time for about 70 students to be at BFA. Most of them probably haven’t ever stayed at a boarding school. They will be leaving their parents and having many experiences that college students have back in the states: homesickness, a new environment, a new country, nothing familiar, no parents, dorm life. As you can imagine, it can be difficult.

There will be around 350 students total this year. I think there are around 47 students in the elementary school, which includes a bilingual school. The elementary school is in another town about 10-15 minutes away. The building is very tiny for the amount of students they have this year. They are growing each year, so everyone here is excited about the potential for that school.

Every year there are many changes, both for staff and students. New staff arrives, current staff change positions, and old staff leave. This year there is even a new director. Every year, students must say goodbye to their teachers, dorm staff and friends. BFA is a place that is always changing. Tomorrow is the beginning of another year, which will inevitably look different from the next one. Yet in all of these changes, God is present and at work. As you can imagine, the first day can be pretty overwhelming for everyone, but it holds so much hope and potential too.

God’s Timing Is Perfect

Over the past month, we’ve had moments when we couldn’t believe that we were finally here. Our hearts have been at BFA since July of last year, so it’s nice that our bodies have finally joined them. As we prepare for tomorrow, it feels like the fulfillment of the path God set us on over a year ago. He’s been building and shaping us for this, for what begins tomorrow. It’s become abundantly clear that this was his perfect timing for us to be at BFA. We are honored to have the opportunity to serve these kids. Please keep us all in your thoughts and prayers as we begin this new year.

Some Things To Be Praying About For The School

• That families will know how to say goodbye well. That parents will be able to have peace about their decisions to send their children to BFA.
• That the new students will not get overwhelmed by the enemy, but will have peace and excitement in their transitions.
• That all the students will have a good first day and first week, and will figure out all their class schedules.
• That the new director will have peace and know how to lead.
• That the staff at BFA will be rested and ready for anything that might get thrown their way tomorrow.

Some Things You Can Pray About For Us

• That we feel like we fit in well at BFA. Dani especially always has a difficult time with the initial adjustment period of new situations.
• That we adjust to how long everything takes to done. Washing a load of laundry takes at least 90 minutes, no drying included.
• That we are able to be a part of the German community here, by getting to know our landlords, for example.
• For our new routine, neither of us have had regular work routines for about a year now. For Dani it’s been two years.
• That we continue to pursue God, especially now that our ministry is officially starting up.

So I’m not sure if you are aware, but mine and Dani’s lives are changing. Our desires have changed. Our passions have changed. Our definition of love and truth have changed. Changed in a way that is better and more full. Full of wants and desires that pursue the seemingly unattainable – a life without failure, without a hurting world, without people in need.

Don’t get me wrong. We fail miserably at accomplishing this goal. Some would say we aren’t even going to make a difference in this life. That life is meaningless, and without merit or truth. I say those people have a sad definition of life. And I won’t be able to change their minds. So what can I do?

Well, I’ve decided it’s not my responsibility to change peoples minds. And since I can’t do that, I’ll just change the world. “Ha”, you say? Well that is pretty arrogant of me, but it’s what I wish could happen. In reality I can’t do that. I can’t—without other people. So yeah…I have to deal with the hard and tough. There is no easy life, no easy route. Easy isn’t an option anymore.

This is one of the things I’ve been struggling with. I’m called to change the world. I’m called to live radically. I’m called. But I’ve been struggling, hurting, frustrated and contemplating things I don’t understand. And I want to share some of what I’ve been trying to figure out. Openness and honesty are huge to me. So here is an excerpt from a journal entry.

April 24, 2010 – God what do you want from me?

God what do you want from me?
What would you have me do?
I don’t know what to do next
Is there something missing, something hindering you and me

I just want to be where I hear you calling me. And the stillness is deafening.

Open me up and help me to hear, help me to hear.
Take this yoke upon you. My next steps are hidden from me, please help me, help me to hear you leading me.

Lord what can I do to see?
Do I need to let go?
I thought I had let it all fall
Is there something missing, something hindering you and me

I just want to be where I hear you calling me. And the stillness is deafening.

Open me up and help me to hear, help me to hear.
Take this yoke upon you. My next steps are hidden from me, please help me, help me to hear you leading me.

Help Me To Hear

Written in the car while driving in Telephone, TX. Trying to figure out God and why I’m not hearing or seeing what the next step is. Or why we aren’t getting our support. Is my sin stopping us from going? Am I not doing enough? I just don’t know the next steps to take…

All my life I feel like I’ve struggled to figure out where I fit in, where I should go, and who I should be. From my earliest memories I remember struggling with realities of life. Like when I found out about slavery for the first time. I was devastated. I couldn’t focus the rest of the day. I just couldn’t believe people could do that to each other. Since then I feel like all I’ve been doing is building calluses to all the hurt and problems I’ve seen or learned about. And I don’t want any more calluses.

The Past Alters Perspectives

The next day after writing that journal entry I found out that someone wanted to give us about 30% of our monthly budget. What can I say to that? How do I mix such undeserved giving with such hurt and need? How do I keep from letting myself build calluses when things get tough and I don’t know what’s next? I don’t know the answer to that.

I do know that I’m sick and tired of my complacency. My inability to keep pursuing a life of complete giving of myself, without regard of the consequences or with need for any payment in return. I want to be able to love others without any presupposition or need for them to love me back. I want my life to be full of joy and peace so much that my first instinct is to help others.

My Hope and Prayer

I have been given the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of hundreds of children. To give them love and peace. I just pray and hope that it’s enough. I pray that their loves will be changed forever. That they will pursue truth and an unwavering love for other people. I know I won’t be 100% effective, nor will I be good at it. But that’s not an issue anymore. I don’t want any more calluses. I want to let myself go and be okay with hurt and pain so that others might be given peace and experience the love that I want to be able to share. My life and my heart are not my own, and so my pain and hurt are not my own.

I can’t wait to share my life with those in Germany. To help them conquer their lives and to love them unconditionally. I just hope that it doesn’t stop there. That I daily pursue a truth that revolves around hard people that cause hurt. I’m okay with that. I just want an opportunity to love them. No strings. Just unbridled giving of my life, my possessions, my time, my desires for the moment that they experience a greater love than I can give them. That is my hope and prayer.

So, since we have 23 days remaining to raise at least $1,912, we could use your prayers. Here’s some stuff you can lift up to Jesus on our behalf.

An Abundance of Support – In order to have enough support to leave for Germany in April, we need to raise 1.5% of our monthly amount per day. That’s about $80 a day to reach 80% of our budget. In order to reach 100% of our budget, we need to receive $130 of new support a day. That’s about 2.5%. Obviously, if we reach either of these amounts by April 1st, it will be all God. Pray for God to bring a flood of new support! We know that we’ll get to Black Forest Academy at the right time, but it would be amazing if the right time was now.

Favor – Pray that we find favor with those we meet with. We want people to connect with us, understand our vision and passion for the students at BFA, and want to support us. Ask God to give us favor with everyone we call and meet.

Appointments – Pray that the remaining 23 days of our support raising will be packed with appointments! We’re heading to Texas on Thursday and want to meet with as many people as possible.

Glory to God – Pray that through all of our calls and meetings and highs and lows, God is glorified. Sometimes it’s difficult to see how God could receive the glory when we are feeling discouraged and defeated, but we want him to be praised and honored even in our discouragement.

Preparation for Life in Germany – Pray that God will continue to prepare the way for us to get to Germany and then make a life there. We want our support to come in quickly, our travels to be easy, and our adjustment to BFA to be quick. Pray for an apartment in Kandern, the town where the school is. Pray that we’re able to connect with the staff and students. Pray that we make new friends, find a church and learn German quickly. If we do arrive in April, we know that our transition will probably be more difficult than the normal new staff person. We will be arriving mid-year, we will miss the formal orientation and we’ll barely get to know the students before they leave for the summer. It could be a difficult time, but we’d like it to be wonderful. Pray also for our summer; most BFA staff leave for at least one month of the summer, so we could be rather lonely.

Thanks friends! We’re glad to have you in our lives.

For Christmas I asked my wife, Dani, to get me the book In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day. A few men at my church have read it, and it’s been an integral part of where they are today. I also picked up a copy of No Compromise, The Life Story of Keith Green from my dad. It was on the dining room table at the fam’s house and I started reading. I wasn’t able to put either book down.

Both of these books talk about people who are radical about what they believe and how they live their lives. It’s inspiring, motivational, convicting, and scary. In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day talks about how some of the most inspiring people in history are the most daring, the ones who take risks. This book embodies the idea that without risk there is no gain. I think the book takes it one step further and says that if you don’t take risks there are negative repercussions. No Compromise talks about Keith Green’s journey to find truth and meaning. It’s a passionate life story of a passionate man. The book talks about ideas that are radical even to today’s standards of what being a Christian means. If you read this book looking for answers, you won’t come away the same. You might even leave with more questions than answers.

So Why am I Talking About These Books?

So what does being In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day have to do with being a Christian? And why should you listen to me talk about No Compromise? One reason. Am I, as a Christian, really living a lifestyle that embodies who Christ is and what Christ taught? I look at my past and where I am at, and I have to say No. When was the last time I did something for the glory of God that didn’t involve serving my own well-being, or pleasing myself, or making myself look Christ-like in the eyes of others? I feel like my faith is based off of concepts and ideas that are Christian, but they don’t go far enough. It’s been making me not want to call myself “Christian” because I want to think of myself in a new light as being one who lives like Jesus lived. Not one who just does the normal Christian stuff: Sundays, Wednesdays, small group.

Have you ever read First John or James? Those guys talk about radical, non-conservative ways of living, not just believing in something. I wonder if maybe this is a better idea of faith and risk, “Without risk, faith is an impossibility,” Søren Kierkegaard. I don’t know. But I do know that my view of Jesus is minimized and compartmentalized because of my Western view of the Bible. I guess I’m just frustrated with myself, the church, religion. I feel like there should be more to my view of the world. I should be a person willing to take chances. Someone willing to be controversial, and not ashamed of what I believe. To me it’s coming down to this: Do I really believe what the Bible says?

Do I really believe what the Bible says?

If the answer is yes, than my current lifestyle must change. Everything from how I view things to how I interact with people will need to be altered. I cannot be a nominal Christian or an average Christian. There’s no such thing. Jesus calls us to be fishers of men. When was the last time I shared my faith with a non-believer? I don’t think I could tell you. Jesus also calls us to a lifestyle of total abandon. “And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me” – Matthew 10:38. This God-man—Jesus—is not playing around. He demands life-altering, complete sacrifice to live differently than the rest of the people around you. I can’t think of my life as my own anymore, no compromise.

So In Summary

I guess I’m wanting to push people and myself towards a lifestyle and faith that really has action and behavior that is not like other people. “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him…” – First John 2:15-17. I’m ready for my faith to be real and not superficial. I’m ready to give it all up. Life. The Future. Family. Happiness.

A Prayer

God be my peace. Be grace in my life. I know not what the future holds, or if what I am thinking is right, but I know you are leading me. I want to follow. So please let me see you like I see my hands in front of me. Let me see as you see. Let my desires be yours, and let my heart follow after truth. Your name is holy. May my limited knowledge of your word and who you are lead me to you and nothing else. May I not lead others astray. You are perfect love. Help me bring that love to those around me. Unashamed, I proclaim you Lord and pray you hold me tight and safe in your will for my life.