May 17th, 2010

The Future, and What the Past Alters

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The Future, and What the Past Alters

So I’m not sure if you are aware, but mine and Dani’s lives are changing. Our desires have changed. Our passions have changed. Our definition of love and truth have changed. Changed in a way that is better and more full. Full of wants and desires that pursue the seemingly unattainable – a life without failure, without a hurting world, without people in need.

Don’t get me wrong. We fail miserably at accomplishing this goal. Some would say we aren’t even going to make a difference in this life. That life is meaningless, and without merit or truth. I say those people have a sad definition of life. And I won’t be able to change their minds. So what can I do?

Well, I’ve decided it’s not my responsibility to change peoples minds. And since I can’t do that, I’ll just change the world. “Ha”, you say? Well that is pretty arrogant of me, but it’s what I wish could happen. In reality I can’t do that. I can’t—without other people. So yeah…I have to deal with the hard and tough. There is no easy life, no easy route. Easy isn’t an option anymore.

This is one of the things I’ve been struggling with. I’m called to change the world. I’m called to live radically. I’m called. But I’ve been struggling, hurting, frustrated and contemplating things I don’t understand. And I want to share some of what I’ve been trying to figure out. Openness and honesty are huge to me. So here is an excerpt from a journal entry.

April 24, 2010 – God what do you want from me?

God what do you want from me?
What would you have me do?
I don’t know what to do next
Is there something missing, something hindering you and me

I just want to be where I hear you calling me. And the stillness is deafening.

Open me up and help me to hear, help me to hear.
Take this yoke upon you. My next steps are hidden from me, please help me, help me to hear you leading me.

Lord what can I do to see?
Do I need to let go?
I thought I had let it all fall
Is there something missing, something hindering you and me

I just want to be where I hear you calling me. And the stillness is deafening.

Open me up and help me to hear, help me to hear.
Take this yoke upon you. My next steps are hidden from me, please help me, help me to hear you leading me.

Help Me To Hear

Written in the car while driving in Telephone, TX. Trying to figure out God and why I’m not hearing or seeing what the next step is. Or why we aren’t getting our support. Is my sin stopping us from going? Am I not doing enough? I just don’t know the next steps to take…

All my life I feel like I’ve struggled to figure out where I fit in, where I should go, and who I should be. From my earliest memories I remember struggling with realities of life. Like when I found out about slavery for the first time. I was devastated. I couldn’t focus the rest of the day. I just couldn’t believe people could do that to each other. Since then I feel like all I’ve been doing is building calluses to all the hurt and problems I’ve seen or learned about. And I don’t want any more calluses.

The Past Alters Perspectives

The next day after writing that journal entry I found out that someone wanted to give us about 30% of our monthly budget. What can I say to that? How do I mix such undeserved giving with such hurt and need? How do I keep from letting myself build calluses when things get tough and I don’t know what’s next? I don’t know the answer to that.

I do know that I’m sick and tired of my complacency. My inability to keep pursuing a life of complete giving of myself, without regard of the consequences or with need for any payment in return. I want to be able to love others without any presupposition or need for them to love me back. I want my life to be full of joy and peace so much that my first instinct is to help others.

My Hope and Prayer

I have been given the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of hundreds of children. To give them love and peace. I just pray and hope that it’s enough. I pray that their loves will be changed forever. That they will pursue truth and an unwavering love for other people. I know I won’t be 100% effective, nor will I be good at it. But that’s not an issue anymore. I don’t want any more calluses. I want to let myself go and be okay with hurt and pain so that others might be given peace and experience the love that I want to be able to share. My life and my heart are not my own, and so my pain and hurt are not my own.

I can’t wait to share my life with those in Germany. To help them conquer their lives and to love them unconditionally. I just hope that it doesn’t stop there. That I daily pursue a truth that revolves around hard people that cause hurt. I’m okay with that. I just want an opportunity to love them. No strings. Just unbridled giving of my life, my possessions, my time, my desires for the moment that they experience a greater love than I can give them. That is my hope and prayer.

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